Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@BuckyIsotope: "Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?"
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

@TheToddWilliams: [apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

@EyeSeeYou619: ME: Since Tatooine has 2 suns shouldn't Luke Skywalker cast 2 shadows?
GEORGE LUCAS:*pressing intercom* Security, she's in the house again.

@markedly: ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn't the hideous troll of Blemishville

@iamspacegirl: Dog *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.

Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me *wincing*: thank you
Cat: damn right thank you

@kidd_kong78: There is so much going on here.

The name, the crimes, the mugshot.

@Mr_Kapowski: [Grandma's funeral]

GIRL: *crying*

BOY: Bae, I know what will make you feel better

*opens casket to reveal PROM? spelled in carnations*

@delusions_of: When I go to the gym I reward myself by not going back for a couple weeks.

@mortimermaiden: [restaurant]
Manager: You're fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You're a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.