@envydatropic: They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress.........THEY DON'T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
@tigersgoroooar: Killer with knife to my throat: it's ironic how you're about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that's not really what ironic means.
@Mr_Kapowski: "Get your poop in a group" is a childish way of saying "get your shit together" but I prefer my take of "gather the pieces of your feces"
@Ideal_Victoria: I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I'm pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
@geo_teira: [at a restaurant]
Me: uhm. This plate is broken and the food is all spread out.
Waiter: yes ma'am, that's the continental drift breakfast.
@daemonic3: [spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
"Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk"
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
@AimeeHelene1: *Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
@Thrill_Tweeter: H: "What do you want for Valentine's Day?"
"Pick something else."
"A different puppy."
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can't get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.