Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Playing_Dad: [Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

@4SLars: I realize how this looks, but that guy's neck was already like that when I got here.

@Chumpstring: patient: i wanna feel young again

doctor: have you tried moving into a bad apartment and selling marijuana

@ArfMeasures: Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I'll probably be in touch

@AbbyHasIssues: Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we're both living the dream

@CulturedRuffian: Don't worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what's going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

@fowlerism: [Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can't play quidditch by myself

@stevevsninjas: Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, "Go get help, boy!" and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

@lovemydogduck: Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute...
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: ...
Me: *dies*

@dumbbeezie: Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks