Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@AndyAsAdjective: KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we're halfway there…

@Mom_Overboard: Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese's peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!

Date: What's happening right n-


@Brampersandon_: MOM: dont lie. The man upstairs is always watching
ME: ok mom
FRANK FROM 4B (watching on his hidden camera): how the hell did she know that

@thestlouisan: -Crowded Restaurant-
Me: Table for four, please.
Me: Now, to get married & have two kids...

@offbeatoliv: Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone's home just to take a nap.

@TheAlexP: [Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

@BCMontgo: Me: I'll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn't.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

@seamussaid: when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

@TheCatWhisprer: [fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

@joeljeffrey: If I was a sniper, I'd probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.