Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

@Divergentmama: Me: when I was your age, I had to dial *69 to see who called me

My teenage son: nice

@chrisdowning: [working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

@KenJennings: Two things I'm not looking forward to wrangling on this late-night flight: 1. Carry-on. 2. My wayward son.

@3sunzzz: It's 5pm and I'm pretty sure my husband's trying to get me drunk. Joke's on him, I've been drunk since noon.

@karanbirtinna: Zoo security guy: We know you've stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I'm brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I'm brown??

@T_Bonezzz_: SPELLING BEE

"Defiant"

Can I have the definition, please?

"No"

@thenatewolf: Me: I wonder how a bill becomes a law?

*music plays and the shit on my desk starts singing*

Me: no stop I already looked it up on my phone

@TheTweetOfGod: Never throw somebody under the bus unless you're sure it's moving.

@ColtonCarlyle: My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back