Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@tsm560: I was all set to seize the day but this anti-seizure medication is a lot stronger than I thought.

@ShutUpThatsWho: [texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you're done

@FrazzleMyGimp: DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

@Mr_Kapowski: *hits a joint and talks with smoke in lungs*

Hey man, what if, like they infused a banana with marijuana and made a cannabananaoid?

@3sunzzz: I'm not saying Coke is better, I'm just saying I've never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

@Shade510: Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?...We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

@CruisinSoozan: When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.

@Jandalize: Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

@kica333: Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

@dubstep4dads: [on my deathbed]
me: a....ah.....
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah...... alexa...... play despacito