@BuckyIsotope: "Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?"
*sounds of sawing*
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
ME: Can I get some?
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
@EyeSeeYou619: ME: Since Tatooine has 2 suns shouldn't Luke Skywalker cast 2 shadows?
GEORGE LUCAS:*pressing intercom* Security, she's in the house again.
@fillthevacuum: *tries hard*
@markedly: ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn't the hideous troll of Blemishville
@iamspacegirl: Dog *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me *wincing*: thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
@kidd_kong78: There is so much going on here.
The name, the crimes, the mugshot.
@Mr_Kapowski: [Grandma's funeral]
BOY: Bae, I know what will make you feel better
*opens casket to reveal PROM? spelled in carnations*
@delusions_of: When I go to the gym I reward myself by not going back for a couple weeks.
Manager: You're fired.
Manager: You're a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.