Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@Divergentmama: Me: when I was your age, I had to dial *69 to see who called me
My teenage son: nice
@chrisdowning: [working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
@KenJennings: Two things I'm not looking forward to wrangling on this late-night flight: 1. Carry-on. 2. My wayward son.
@3sunzzz: It's 5pm and I'm pretty sure my husband's trying to get me drunk. Joke's on him, I've been drunk since noon.
@karanbirtinna: Zoo security guy: We know you've stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I'm brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I'm brown??
@T_Bonezzz_: SPELLING BEE
Can I have the definition, please?
@thenatewolf: Me: I wonder how a bill becomes a law?
*music plays and the shit on my desk starts singing*
Me: no stop I already looked it up on my phone
@TheTweetOfGod: Never throw somebody under the bus unless you're sure it's moving.
@ColtonCarlyle: My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back