@fro_vo: *burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
@copymama: My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
@sonictyrant: Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?
Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry's
Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont
@markhoppus: MY WIFE HAS, AFTER A 14 MONTH LONG IN-DEPTH INVESTIGATION, FOUND NO EVIDENCE THAT I TOOK THE LAST LA CROIX FROM THE REFRIGERATOR THAT SHE WAS SAVING FOR AFTER HER WORKOUT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CLEARLY LABELED "MARK DON'T DRINK THIS YOU IDIOT."
@flouncingqueen: [airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
'Could you please stop kicking my seat!'
@several_sins: *Account gets suspended
NOOOO!!!! MY LIFES WORK!!!!
@liv_thatsme: My therapist told me to put away my phone and spend more time with my friends, but it’s like: hey, which is it?
@ADDiane: I don't like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
@_coryrichardson: [dinner date]
date: sorry i’m late! how long have you been waiting
me: *grabs waiter* she asked you a question buddy
@AndrewNadeau0: JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.