Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@choo_ek: Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

@NewDadNotes: God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

@: God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

@thenatewolf: My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.

@Seinfeld2000: roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

@WillociRaptor: a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

@panmidwest: [my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i... just... told you?

@sage_lita: Him: I like a girl who's a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I've had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

@imteddybless: ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

@Darlainky: [at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.