Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@sarcasticmommy4: My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

@NewDadNotes: Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

@EndhooS: Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it's dead.

@CatsVsHumanity: Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

@treydayway: I'm not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

@justokdane: God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um... the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT'S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

@Bratterina: Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.

@Laser_Cat: *performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

...they just keep sending more...

@sixfootcandy: [moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

@aligarchy: you're supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich