Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@envydatropic: They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress.........THEY DON'T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

@tigersgoroooar: Killer with knife to my throat: it's ironic how you're about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that's not really what ironic means.

@Mr_Kapowski: "Get your poop in a group" is a childish way of saying "get your shit together" but I prefer my take of "gather the pieces of your feces"

@Ideal_Victoria: I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I'm pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

@geo_teira: [at a restaurant]
Me: uhm. This plate is broken and the food is all spread out.
Waiter: yes ma'am, that's the continental drift breakfast.

@daemonic3: [spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

"Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk"

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

@AimeeHelene1: *Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

@Thrill_Tweeter: H: "What do you want for Valentine's Day?"

"A puppy."

"Pick something else."

"A different puppy."

@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can't get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

@panmidwest: ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch