@yenniwhite: Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
@joeljeffrey: I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it's parked on the side of the road.
@AndrewNadeau0: ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don't want that.
@ItsAndyRyan: Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like 'firm beliefs'
Me: Company loyalty
@IamEveryDayPpl: Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don't have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can't go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
@erikaskarlet: Considering how much I don't wash my hair, I'm basically an environmentalist.
@MartaEffing: Between bank balances, my weight and age, math makes me more emotional than I ever thought possible.
@occupied_stall: I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I'm gonna live stream my proposal..
@DirtMcTurd: I was getting chased by a man yelling "STOP, POLICE!" & I yelled "YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY'RE OUT OF CONTROL!" But he kept chasing me
@ItsAndyRyan: Boss: Can I have a word?
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU