Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@TheBeerGuy_: Answer my phone? No thanks.

I've seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

@RocketRankoon: I'm not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like 'my dog is cute' and mine would be all cool like 'I love you Susan'

@AmishPornStar1: Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves...

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

@myonlymizztake: Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

@beefman138: Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

- Alien Vs Creditor.

@Browtweaten: *God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

@T_Bonezzz_: [Movie: Romance]

Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!

Airline Clerk: That'll be $4,433.56...

Him: K... forget it...

@TheAlexNevil: “Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

@Home_Halfway: DATE: So what do you like to do?
ME: Enter hot dog breeding contests
DATE: You mean "eating?"
ME: *thrusting hot dogs together carefully* No

@SteveKoehler22: I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam ...
but it didn’t stick.