@InThaBurbs: Taking my sunglasses out of 2's hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
@Gen22: My milkshake won't bring the boys to the yard but I'm betting my free wifi will.
@NoTheOtherJohn: ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT'S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
@WhoToldYou2: "Be the change you want to see in the world."
*Morphs into a kitten
@jackiembouvier: I can tell Spring is almost here because I'm on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I'd also like to plant some bulbs.
@TheToddWilliams: I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see...well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
@Cryptic1iam: Why are they called condoms and not woody hoodies?
@Sean_Burgundy_: [ Skydiving ]
Instructor: SIR. You can't just jump out without your equipment on
Me: *Shows him text of gf saying "We need to talk"
@_youhadonejob1: The most Russian headline ever.
@Spaced_Cowboy00: Women remember something that happened five years ago. I can't remember why I stood up.