Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Parkerlawyer: I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

@lisaxy424: It's actually a good thing money doesn't grow on trees because I've killed every plant I've ever owned.

@Mr_Kapowski: To the cars honking behind me,

Sorry I held up the drive thru line for 5 minutes counting to make sure I got all 50 of my McNuggets

@ohpegah: "What an ugly baby," I said, much more audibly than intended.

@coketruck76: 13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

@CopBroughtPizza: i just found that children's tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol...

@GrantTanaka: dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

@tinynietzsche: doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

@squirrel74wkgn: (Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let's shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

@PinkCamoTO: There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.