Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@fro_vo: Me: so what do you do
Date: i'm a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

@AndrewNadeau0: ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

@Darlainky: I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

@Mr_Kapowski: She yells if I kick the ice cube under the fridge

She yells if I pick it up and put it in her drink

Women are so confusing

@simoncholland: Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

@ThugRaccoons: Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

@: Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

@mckaycoppins: My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn't get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went "boating."

@: My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn't get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went "boating."

@Mirimade: Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*