@smithsara79: Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
@PhuckinCody: ME: Let's go get some chicks
FRIEND: This isn't what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
@KattsDogma: Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma's final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was "Curtains."
@ArfMeasures: ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
@SteveSuckington: [stranded on a deserted island]
Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.
@rockymomax: WIFE: I want a divorce
ME: is it because I switched our baby out for a better one at the hospital before we left
@sofarrsogud: [Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It's called Star Trek but the stars don't actually go anywhere.
@Barknado69: "You should've seen the other guy" I say as I lay in the hospital with 2 broken legs and a black eye. "He was so much better at fighting"
3: *drops cracker, picks up cracker, starts to eat it*
Me: GIVE ME THAT! We don't eat off of the floor here, this isn't Target!
@whatmaddness: Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.