Funny Tweeter

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@Bmangall20: My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

@3sunzzz: H: I'm so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

@ShootyDoody: Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

@mastrap84: 4yo: i'm going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that's silly

4yo: yeah but I won't kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

@UncleDuke1969: Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

@TheHyyyype: writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i'm already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don't remember.

@UncleDuke1969: I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

@TheAndrewNadeau: Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.