Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@TheHyyyype: wife: ugh the baby's been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

@fro_vo: [first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

@DVSblast: if you cant handle me at my "bit by a radioactive lobster" u dont deserve me at my "using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son"

@SamInspired: I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that's when my son went back to playing Minecraft :(

@stardazingxo: mercury is no longer retrograde so you can relax now, your problems are your own fault again

@mommatotwo_: I'm really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I'm really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

@BrucioMcCulloch: when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out "don't do any improv"

@dumbbeezie: No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy...

@Gupton68: Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you