Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@2tickytacky: I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

@sjredmond: Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

@ThaJawn: 5: There's a monster under my bed...

I wouldn't be scared of monsters, I saw a video of snakes hunting in packs *kisses forehead* goodnight

@bacon_gillepic: Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

@iamspacegirl: *standing over your shoulder while you read a book I recommended*
You arent laughing I usually laugh at this part why do you hate it so much

@MaraWilson: How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to "trying to figure out a friend's shower"

@iwearaonesie: "They're gray with gray stripes"

- me warning my dog about skunks

@Mom_Overboard: Don't go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

@psybermonkey: [heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg...

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

@splendidcynic: My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?