@ShortSleeveSuit: People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
@EffiMai: When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
@SortaBad: The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
@Gupton68: Alexa, why can’t you just play the original version of the song I asked for, not the reimagined or remastered or recut version?
Who do you think you are, George fucking Lucas?
@Darlainky: My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
@Pork_Chop_Hair: I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
@squirrel74wkgn: Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
@CarolineSiede: Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
@Marlebean: Friend: "You really shouldn't let pets sleep in your bed."
Me: "But I like cuddling!"
Friend: "I think your goldfish is dead now."