Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@NewDadNotes: God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

@ObscureGent: [Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

@wx388: Doctor's orders say 30 crunches a day....That's an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

@BigJDubz: Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests...

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What's the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

@LuckoftheDraw86: E-Harmony Rep: And here's your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here's your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

@BrownDogBlanket: *gets saltwater fish tank

*fills it with plastic bags, soda bottles and garbage

staring intently from couch: Ahhhhh, the ocean

@tsm560: She’s one of a kind. Like an instagram sunset

@DrakeGatsby: Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

@CornOnTheGoblin: [kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to do that
me: oh i don't work here