@sarcasticmommy4: My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
@NewDadNotes: Daughter: are ghosts real?
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
@EndhooS: Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it's dead.
@CatsVsHumanity: Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
@justokdane: God: got bears?
God: got birds?
Noah: Um... the bears ate them
Noah: IT'S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
@Bratterina: Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.
@Laser_Cat: *performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
...they just keep sending more...
@sixfootcandy: [moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.