Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@oigoabuya: Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

@OhNoSheTwitnt: Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it'll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

@fro_vo: Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice


Date: hi
Me: 69

@citizenkawala: Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

@mydmac: *goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

@TheBoydP: Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

@Holy_Mowgli: [God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that's not how it happened

@emceekayvee: Gym employee: Sorry ma'am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

@realHamOnWry: Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Reloading my bong

Cat: You really need it?

Me: I know my limits, why?

Cat: You know cats can't talk, right?

@TheBoydP: Don't you hate noticing that an office memo says it's for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?