Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@fro_vo: 911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

@Jake_Vig: If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you're boycotting something.

@girl_a_whirl: Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

@ThisOneSayz: Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

@tiReynard: How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake...?

I was today years old.

@GingerHotDish: The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still...

@DadandBuried: Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

@TweetPotato314: wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

@sixfootcandy: Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

@RSun82: Will someone please surgically remove this bag of chips from my hand