Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@EmmaUtters: Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

@sofarrsogud: I'M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it 'This Year'.

@CthulhuCrusade: You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

@realHamOnWry: After I die I want the words, 'Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment' engraved on my urn.

@TheToddWilliams: THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

@jjhartinger: I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

@LetMeStart: It's only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.

@mrbenwexler: Q: Name your favorite foreign leader.

GARY JOHNSON: Nice trick question, Chris- they all already HAVE names!

@becabird: Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

@MichaelTrying: If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.