Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@dave_cactus: Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

@om_eye_goodness: Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.

@_little_old_me: A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, "Nice try, Ted Bundy."

@tiemoose: him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it's called a hospital

@ClichedOut: nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it's a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

@HousewifeOfHell: When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

@PleaseBeGneiss: Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

@InternetHippo: [meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let's get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

@: [meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let's get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

@DiamondLou69: Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.