Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@mattZillaaaa: Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I'm like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

@GrantTanaka: me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we're ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

@thestlouisan: WHERE IS THE CHRISTMAS TREE EMOJI THIS IS A GODDAMN WAR ON CHRISTMAS IVE HAD ENOUGH OF TH-- oh there it is

@shariv67: We asked George, the office conspiracy theorist, to organize the Christmas party to show him how impossible it is to get a group of people to work together towards a common goal.

@MelvinofYork: I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought "they don't do ANYTHING really" and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

@Itskarleytime: Guy at a bar: wanna come back to my place?

Me: *elaborate excuse*

Guy: did you just say elaborate excuse?

@stevevsninjas: As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

@JJSummertime: Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

@AnkCoupleTO: [job interview]

Panel: We're looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

@BlondAmbitionTO: I hate when people call and say they're 10 minutes away for a "drop-by surprise visit" and I have to set fire to my house.