Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@rebrafsim: Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

@UncleDuke1969: The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

@UncleDuke1969: BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

@NrouteHQ: Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

@copymama: Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I'm tweeting this from the closet.

@TheAlexNevil: Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don't you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

@Parkerlawyer: My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

@TheAlexNevil: *first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

@IamJackBoot: Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

"I'm not sure how long this ride will last so I've decided to take a lover."