Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@ArfMeasures: COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It's like a wall with leaves

@malt_skull: *puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

@GrantTanaka: [dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

@Shade510: Wow...Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

@notacroc: [dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn't a joke, Sharon

@FirstGentleman: As I'm walking in the house the kids outside ask if it's somebody's birthday because I have balloons in my hand. I say "No, I just wanted balloons" and the little girl says " you can do that?!"

@ehjovan: me: bye twitter

me 45 seconds later: so anyway heres another thought i could’ve kept to myself

@Hobo_Splendido: local police are looking for a peeping tom, I'm heading over to pick up an application