Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@JohnFugelsang: Welcome to America, where the politicians we dislike 'flip-flop on issues' but the politicians we like 'evolve.'

@david8hughes: Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it's very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn't have needed to ask what it was

@Book_Krazy: Nick's coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he's a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

@merylnyc: #TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

@bluebonetbabies: 1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

@murrman5: "did you ever get married?"
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

@girl_a_whirl: All I'm saying is if you've ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you'd NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

@AimeeHelene1: Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that's just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

@awkwardphilippe: *walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that's why I failed geometry

@ThaJawn: Stick: *drowning in ocean

Dog: I've been training my whole life for this..