@SardonicTart: "Why am I so thirsty?"
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
@InternetHippo: It’s the long weekend baby! Time to purchase enough food to allow me to remain indoors for 3 consecutive days
@liv_thatsme: Me: 0.
Grandma (who’s making me sit at the kids table because I “still don’t have a husband“): 1.
@kwirkyKerri: This kid with a whistle is about to become my first robbery victim.
@dmc1138: Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a "before" model.
@TheHappySquirrl: A salad is a bunch of things bribing you to eat lettuce.
@pauleggleston: I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: 'Your patella measures 2.54cm'.
I said: 'Inch-high knees?'
He said: '您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.'
@xLitaLitax: Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
@Shen_the_Bird: Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
@TweetPotato314: Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.