Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Gupton68: The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I've resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

@JohnLyonTweets: I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

@RadWizzy: *walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please

@moutheaters: Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

@mommajessiec: Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

@Gupton68: The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

@NewDadNotes: Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

@TheToddWilliams: [Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

@DaddyJew: *throws $100 worth of coins in the wishing well* I wish I was better with money

@Tmoney68: If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don't give him the skills.