@Vodkantots: Listen, guys. I've had two kids.
Your promise to "destroy" it is no good here.
@neiltyson: There’s just no way around this one: YOU MATTER, unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared, then YOU ENERGY.
@ShortSleeveSuit: Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
@That_kids_dad: Never ask a girl "How are you single?"
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
@cbdoubleu: [hands a flat-earther a frisbee] here's a basket ball
@JasonLastname: It's sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
@ArchiePeeler: Giving our 3-yr-old son the big news...
Wife: We're having a baby!
Son: Keep it in there.
Me: Well, we can't --
Son: Keep. It. In.
@outsmartedmommy: 7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
7yo: What didn't you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
@Marlebean: Sometimes I look at my children and think "What did I do to deserve this?"
And other times I think "What did I do to deserve this?"
@TheMichaelRock: Brb, I'm gonna go pet that dog.
- me, drunk, about to get kicked by a horse