@EmmaUtters: Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
@sofarrsogud: I'M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*calls it 'This Year'.
@CthulhuCrusade: You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
@realHamOnWry: After I die I want the words, 'Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment' engraved on my urn.
@TheToddWilliams: THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
@jjhartinger: I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
@LetMeStart: It's only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
@mrbenwexler: Q: Name your favorite foreign leader.
GARY JOHNSON: Nice trick question, Chris- they all already HAVE names!
@becabird: Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
@MichaelTrying: If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.