@mattZillaaaa: Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I'm like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
@GrantTanaka: me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we're ready to pull the plug
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
@thestlouisan: WHERE IS THE CHRISTMAS TREE EMOJI THIS IS A GODDAMN WAR ON CHRISTMAS IVE HAD ENOUGH OF TH-- oh there it is
@shariv67: We asked George, the office conspiracy theorist, to organize the Christmas party to show him how impossible it is to get a group of people to work together towards a common goal.
@MelvinofYork: I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought "they don't do ANYTHING really" and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
@Itskarleytime: Guy at a bar: wanna come back to my place?
Me: *elaborate excuse*
Guy: did you just say elaborate excuse?
@stevevsninjas: As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
@JJSummertime: Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
@AnkCoupleTO: [job interview]
Panel: We're looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
@BlondAmbitionTO: I hate when people call and say they're 10 minutes away for a "drop-by surprise visit" and I have to set fire to my house.