Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@SimplySnaccbar: Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it's not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

@DrakeGatsby: Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

@Love_bug1016: therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

@AndrewChamings: doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

@TweetPotato314: Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

@juneohara65: YES I'M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

@CornOnTheGoblin: me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

@chrisdelia: Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like... it’s just... not.

@: Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like... it’s just... not.