Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@PleaseBeGneiss: WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn't the one who taught him how to spell

@jergarl: [first date]
her: are you financially stable?
me:*pulls an avocado out of my pocket and slowly places it on the table

@yerpalmildsauce: SIGNS YOUR HOUSE IS
HAUNTED BY A SHY GHOST:
* tea cozies slightly askew
* "ᵇᵒᵒ"
* light clinking of paperclips heard in empty rooms

@TheBoydP: Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

@JustDontBugMe: I doubt that my secrets are safe in your hands given that the raccoon was able to steal a corndog from you the other day.

@ArfMeasures: Wife: What's going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what's updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

@burrowed_deep: A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

@CantWaitToNap: “I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

@david8hughes: Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

@Reverend_Scott: [helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?