@MartaEffing: I got arrested for being drunk and disorderly, but I was just laughing hysterically at the cost of organic vegetables.
@AsgardianRose: Me: Why don't I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That's right. Gross.
Satan: Everybody get online & read stuff that makes you mad for eternity
Guy next to me: Nooooo
Me: I trained my whole life for this
@Bob_Heller: I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
@dafloydsta: [first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don't care what you like.
@lemonmartinis: How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute
@Stuccoman1: The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can't he read a magazine like a normal dog?
@Nikkeya08: Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
I'm a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
@daemonic3: INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands