Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@joe_binkley: Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It's an oven not a forklift.

@moneebthinks: Me: Another one, barkeep! I'm not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

@The_JRM: Dentist: Do you use your dental floss?

[cut to me tying my action figures to make them fly]

Me: Everyday.

@AmishPornStar1: Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

"I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!" says Trump.

@AimeeHelene1: (Ordering at restaurant)
I'll take...
Page 4

@YoungFunE: I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I'm like "That's enough exercise for today"

@jjhartinger: [happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I'm going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

@XplodingUnicorn: My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can't wait till they pop the balloon & find out they're having a kraken