Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Beamo23: Never call it a guest room.
That's just asking for trouble.

@theshantilly: *shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

@HockeyGoddess24: Hey guys listen up: your girlfriend doesn't want to talk about your wife. Ever!!

@4SLars: To be honest, the only reason I'm interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

@P_o_n_k: [Praying mantis funeral]

PRIEST: He died doing what he loved

@HenpeckedHal: In my defense, I never said that I had "completed the project." I said that I was "done working on it." Two totally different things.

@funandmisery: [Hands on Ouija Board]

Me: If you’re really my grandma give me a sign!

“W.H.Y.A.R.E.N.T.Y.O.U.D.A.T.I.N.G.Y.O.U.R.E.S.O.H.A.N.D.S.O.M.E.”

@mcclure111: Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby's size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

@MichaelTrying: "Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper."

-Amazon suggestions logic

@trojansauce: [as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]
ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE