@Beamo23: Never call it a guest room.
That's just asking for trouble.
@theshantilly: *shampoos & conditions hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
@HockeyGoddess24: Hey guys listen up: your girlfriend doesn't want to talk about your wife. Ever!!
@4SLars: To be honest, the only reason I'm interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
@HenpeckedHal: In my defense, I never said that I had "completed the project." I said that I was "done working on it." Two totally different things.
@funandmisery: [Hands on Ouija Board]
Me: If you’re really my grandma give me a sign!
@mcclure111: Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby's size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
@MichaelTrying: "Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper."
-Amazon suggestions logic
@trojansauce: [as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]
ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE