Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@JohnFugelsang: Welcome to America, where the politicians we dislike 'flip-flop on issues' but the politicians we like 'evolve.'
@david8hughes: Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it's very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn't have needed to ask what it was
@Book_Krazy: Nick's coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he's a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
@merylnyc: #TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
@bluebonetbabies: 1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
@murrman5: "did you ever get married?"
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
@girl_a_whirl: All I'm saying is if you've ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you'd NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
@AimeeHelene1: Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that's just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
@awkwardphilippe: *walks in*
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that's why I failed geometry
@ThaJawn: Stick: *drowning in ocean
Dog: I've been training my whole life for this..