Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@JustMeTurtle: [First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

@TweetsByKaylee: Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

@MrGirlDad: Our house has two bathrooms, but there's a spider in one, so our house has one bathroom.

@Darlainky: I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

@CruisinSoozan: If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

@fuzzlime: I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

@mrs_campfire: Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you...eat a vegetable....please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

@junejuly12: [making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

@aissalanis: Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

@TheHyyyype: [on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he's got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don't impwessa me much