@omgthatspunny: A pun and grammar lesson in one
@geowizzacist: I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said 'Ouch.'
@AimeeHelene1: Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
@blade_funner: Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don't need this shit.
@pixelatedboat: Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
@thequeensheart: All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
@underchilde: Sometimes I worry my girlfriend will get kidnapped and that reporters will want to talk to me and I won’t be wearing designer jeans.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she'd vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
@4SLars: [Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.