@JoParkerBear: Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I'm not really invested.
@TweetPotato314: Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
@TheBoydP: It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
@Grommit56: I always say "no spoilers!". Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don't want to listen to you babble on about it.
@Bratterina: -If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.
*walks around corner*
Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge
@AnOrangeSNES: Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
@newLettuce: Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
@TheToddWilliams: [archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don't think we'll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let's just give it a shot
@iwearaonesie: *forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
@stevevsninjas: Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this