Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@JoParkerBear: Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I'm not really invested.

@TweetPotato314: Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

@TheBoydP: It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

@Grommit56: I always say "no spoilers!". Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don't want to listen to you babble on about it.

@Bratterina: -If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.

Me: pfffffft

*walks around corner*

Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge

@AnOrangeSNES: Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

@newLettuce: Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia


Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-


Date: Ugh, please just take me home

Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS

@TheToddWilliams: [archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don't think we'll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let's just give it a shot

@iwearaonesie: *forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

@stevevsninjas: Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this