Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@BraandoCommando: Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

@JohnLyonTweets: Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

@fro_vo: Mary: I'm pregnant
Joseph: but how you're a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

@LuvPug: My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader's Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I've never felt more complete

@_ElvishPresley_: zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don't even have our driver's licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

@AbbieEvansXO: Him: [handing me $20] here's your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here's yours

@rankin_jake: At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

@dadsrpeopletoo: A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.

@GrantTanaka: mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

@TheHyyyype: wife: ugh the baby's been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*