@3sunzzz: My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I'm having an affair.
@junejuly12: A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
@_Tempo11: "You know..."
[takes drag of cigarette]
"That energy bar is full of sugar"
@BoomBoomBetty: Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
@BuckyIsotope: If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
@yonewt: Make me wait this long there'd better be a foam masterpiece on my cappuccino, don't even try to appease me with a fern
@GrillinChillin9: It's complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.