Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@3sunzzz: My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I'm having an affair.

@junejuly12: A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

@_Tempo11: "You know..."

[takes drag of cigarette]

"That energy bar is full of sugar"


@SkinnieTalls: Everything went according to a plan I didn't have.

@BoomBoomBetty: Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

@BuckyIsotope: If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

@HammerFist3: I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

@yonewt: Make me wait this long there'd better be a foam masterpiece on my cappuccino, don't even try to appease me with a fern

@GrillinChillin9: It's complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.

@bngzyface: *brushing crumbs onto floor*

Me: C’mere, Roomba. Here’s some snacks.