Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@TraylorParker: Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
@sannewman: Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
@freedom2726: Hey! My husband wanted me to let you guys know he calls me his "wined up" toy.
@Rollinintheseat: Boss: "Do you know why I called you in here?"
Me: "To see if I can read minds?"
@just1fool: 8:I like cheese!
Me:I like cheese more.
8:No! I like cheese more! I love cheese!
Me:You don't know what you're getting into here.
@KissabiX: [sees a lion and a witch come out of a wardrobe]
Me: what have you been up to in there?
Lion: Narnia business
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it's a cigar
@VanGobot: *falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I'm in
@Jeffwni: Keanu Reeves: THERE'S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE'LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses "Next Stop" signal]
@Maui_Speaks: My drivers side window quit working. So I guess I'm on a diet.