@littleliterally: Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
@captainkalvis: wife: our house is burning to the ground! We have to call the fire marshall
me: great idea [to the fire] MARSHALL! QUIT BURNING OUR HOUSE DOWN!
@ellentee: Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it's food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
@Rica_Bee: Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
@markydoodoo: if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
@surrealvehicle: [Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn't exactly a glowing reference
ME: You're supposed to read it in the dark stupid
@Darlainky: Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.