Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@shutupmikeginn: I'm thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I'm eating cereal.

@PaulSchissler: People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an 'avocado salad' instead of a bowl of guacamole

@DaddyJew: Son: room's clean

Me: u better not have thrown everything in ur closet

S: I didnt

M:*checks* nice, but wheres everything

S: in ur closet

@better_off_dad: *At demonstration

*grabs megaphone - stands on car


@Parkerlawyer: It's 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what's for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

@ArfMeasures: LEADER: Welcome to Sarcasm Club

ME: I thought this was Gullible Club

L: No..but we're all SO happy you're here

M: That's so nice thanks!

@yenniwhite: Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.


@Reel2Dialog2: [Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: ...I ate mushrooms

@mommy_cusses: Me: Whatcha doin'?
5: Whatcha doin'?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I'm adopted
5: I'm adop- WHAT?

@bruinsphan_24: *jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!