Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

If bad ads/pop-ups are redirecting you, please take a screenshot and email it to [email protected]. Help us keep the site clean!

@TraylorParker: Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

@sannewman: Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

@freedom2726: Hey! My husband wanted me to let you guys know he calls me his "wined up" toy.

@Rollinintheseat: Boss: "Do you know why I called you in here?"

Me: "To see if I can read minds?"

@just1fool: 8:I like cheese!

Me:I like cheese more.

8:No! I like cheese more! I love cheese!

Me:You don't know what you're getting into here.

@KissabiX: [sees a lion and a witch come out of a wardrobe]

Me: what have you been up to in there?

Lion: Narnia business

@Chumpstring: [zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it's a cigar

@VanGobot: *falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I'm in

@Jeffwni: Keanu Reeves: THERE'S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE'LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses "Next Stop" signal]

@Maui_Speaks: My drivers side window quit working. So I guess I'm on a diet.