Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@GoodZiIIa: me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don't

@dumbbeezie: People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

@tchrquotes: It's hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

@ArfMeasures: [After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it's my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it's him!!

@SarahJonesVent: I'm like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I'm surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

@MarfSalvador: teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

@: teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

@TheAlexNevil: First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

@heatherlou_: All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

@JJSummertime: My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.