@bwebster76: Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
@GinAndJif: If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
@ItsAndyRyan: Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say 'bless yooou' in the same intonation as her 'Atchooo'
2) Sing "Little red corvette... the kind you find in a second-hand store"
3) Bring her an empty plate and say "Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!"
@Spaziotwat: Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
@AndyAsAdjective: KID: dad, I think a ghost is in my room
ME: the ghost in the scary movie I said not to watch?
ME: well good luck. that thing's freaky as hell. goodnight
@KrangTNelson: stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
@UncleDuke1969: My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
@JustDontBugMe: M&M Customer service rep: How may I help you today?
Me: I'm just furious right now! I paid good money for a bag of M&M's and all I got was this bag full of W's! I want my money back!
Rep: Ma'am, please calm down. It's ok. Just flip it upside down
Me: well this is embarrassing
@andlikelaura: Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
@mydmac: When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.