@brendohare: I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
@TheHyyyype: mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
@NickBaumann: GUIDANCE: The "scandal" around Kamala Harris claiming she was listening to Tupac and Snoop while smoking weed in college shall henceforth be known as Bonghazi.
@dafloydsta: PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT 'SUPPOSABLY'
*priest slowly backs away*
@ArfMeasures: Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you're fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
@ArfMeasures: 911: Did you ring yesterday?
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It's a wolf
911: Oh for fu
@benharnett: I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.