Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@gruffybeard: Her: I need a living will.
Me: *wiping blood off knife* I've got a dead Steve. Close enough?
@girlontapas: Whoever said "find joy in the small things" clearly didn't know my ex.
@Elizasoul80: I don't want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
@ComedicBust: I was excited when my GF asked me to dress up as the cable guy, until I spent the next 3 hours on the roof, trying to fix the satellite dish
@crunchenhanced: Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
@markydoodoo: [at dog park]
ME: it's ok, she's friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She's a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She's 2.
@ComedicBust: Our eyes met. Our hearts touched. He was the one. We fell in love. He used a flash mob to propose. I'm single now.
@SirEviscerate: *tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden's office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
@amechamecha: After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I'd never put it on in the first place..