@shutupmikeginn: I'm thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I'm eating cereal.
@PaulSchissler: People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an 'avocado salad' instead of a bowl of guacamole
@DaddyJew: Son: room's clean
Me: u better not have thrown everything in ur closet
S: I didnt
M:*checks* nice, but wheres everything
S: in ur closet
@better_off_dad: *At demonstration
*grabs megaphone - stands on car
'DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?'
@Parkerlawyer: It's 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what's for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
@ArfMeasures: LEADER: Welcome to Sarcasm Club
ME: I thought this was Gullible Club
L: No..but we're all SO happy you're here
M: That's so nice thanks!
@yenniwhite: Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
@Reel2Dialog2: [Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
G: with suckie things
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
G: ...I ate mushrooms
@mommy_cusses: Me: Whatcha doin'?
5: Whatcha doin'?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I'm adopted
5: I'm adop- WHAT?
@bruinsphan_24: *jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!