Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@brendohare: I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

@TheHyyyype: mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

@goodbeanalt: [after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

@NickBaumann: GUIDANCE: The "scandal" around Kamala Harris claiming she was listening to Tupac and Snoop while smoking weed in college shall henceforth be known as Bonghazi.

@dafloydsta: PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT 'SUPPOSABLY'

*priest slowly backs away*

@ArfMeasures: Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you're fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

@ArtIsMyPorn: Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

@ArfMeasures: 911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It's a wolf

911: Oh for fu

@blainecapatch: why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

@benharnett: I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.