Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@thenatewolf: BATMAN: All this crime... it’s really starting to get to me. Maybe I should take a break.

COMMISSIONER GORDON: [Thinking about how much work he had to do before Batman] That’s exactly what The Joker wants.

@AndrewNadeau0: BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

@Bob_Janke: The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

@markydoodoo: sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

@mindflakes: Anyone here good with computers? Trying to figure out how to attach a swarm of wasps to an email

@stephenjmolloy: Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

@: Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

@sofarrsogud: BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

@roxiqt: ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn't realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren't supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

@Holy_Mowgli: arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like "come with me if you want tulips" and "it's not a petunia" and "your clovers. give them to me"