@Rollinintheseat: "Hi, I'm Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it."
@thestlouisan: All I'm saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?
@dafloydsta: [at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that's not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
@mdob11: Me: I'm shy
Tequila: Not anymore
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "How many fingers am I holding up?"
Ian: "err... 13..."
Doc: "Yeah. Some of these are yours. You've been in a serious accident."
@JediGigi: Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I'd rather you have cake for me.
@BadMikeyBad: Thanks to SnapChat filters I'm now sexually attracted to girl rabbits, bats, and cocker spaniels
@keeperoftheday: Girl: come over. Guy: I'm coming over. Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.
@Marlebean: Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
@BadMikeyBad: This pepper spray feels like no really meant no