Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@littleliterally: Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

@captainkalvis: wife: our house is burning to the ground! We have to call the fire marshall

me: great idea [to the fire] MARSHALL! QUIT BURNING OUR HOUSE DOWN!

@ellentee: Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it's food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

@Rica_Bee: Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

@markydoodoo: if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

@junejuly12: The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

@Shen_the_Bird: doctor: i'm sorry [consoling my family] he's going to live

@surrealvehicle: [Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn't exactly a glowing reference

ME: You're supposed to read it in the dark stupid

@Darlainky: Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.