Funny Tweeter

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@CulturedRuffian: [ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you'll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.


@clichedout: cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

@TheBoydP: The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

@TheAlexNevil: When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

@andlikelaura: [being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

@sixfootcandy: I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

@ArfMeasures: [driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I'm useless at remembering people's names

Wife: It's Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

@JimmerThatisAll: Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

@sonictyrant: Cop: my dog sniffed out this bag from your car

Me: that's dope

Cop: Right? Super good boy