@E_lok44: She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
@Tmoney68: [Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It's muggy out there.
Guy: I'll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
@hashtag_stacks: 'I've never done this on a first date before' I say as I start vacuuming his place
@AbbyHasIssues: I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
@GrantTanaka: January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
@Chumpstring: SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom's ok
SON: how about "my mom's a lesbian now"
DAD: please don't
@david8hughes: [fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I'm- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I'm gonna need you to pay for me
@Cheeseboy22: I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he's crying in the corner.
@chuuew: [JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don't like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle
@thebeckyard: Welcome to your 40s! Your body will do new and exciting things such as sneeze-pee, yawn-burp, and light speed chin hair growth.