@imjustdiane: The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
@stealingyergirl: [first day as a psychic]
Boss: You're fired.
Me: Man, I did not see that coming.
Boss: And now you know why.
@brunopieroni: Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
@chuuew: Date: I can't believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
@mollzbenn: There's a reaaalllly old tupperware in the back of the fridge, I tried to open it, but then something closed it from the inside.
@hollyadkison: Okay just listen. A movie about a dancing puppy called Step Pup and its sequel Step Pup 2: the Treats.
@SondraDeeMe: My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
@inanimatecorpse: I'll write a song about you! What's your name?
Agana.. Anga... ang..
🎵I went through the desert on a horse with no name
@BritXMeh: My spouse reminds me of He-Man.
He also sits around in his pants all day, needs a haircut and has a weird relationship with his sister.
@DomesticGoddss: This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.