Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Rollinintheseat: "Hi, I'm Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it."

@thestlouisan: All I'm saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?

@dafloydsta: [at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that's not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

@mdob11: Me: I'm shy
Tequila: Not anymore

@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "How many fingers am I holding up?"

Ian: "err... 13..."

Doc: "Yeah. Some of these are yours. You've been in a serious accident."

@JediGigi: Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I'd rather you have cake for me.

@BadMikeyBad: Thanks to SnapChat filters I'm now sexually attracted to girl rabbits, bats, and cocker spaniels

@keeperoftheday: Girl: come over. Guy: I'm coming over. Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.

@Marlebean: Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

@BadMikeyBad: This pepper spray feels like no really meant no