@HenpeckedHal: I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
@ArfMeasures: Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
@AmberSmelson: I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
@allisonkilkenny: A horror movie short about a woman who is trying to work in a cafe and she slowly realizes the staff is setting up the room for an open mic
@Peauxtassium: Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
@2browneyedboys: If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
@Skoogeth: professor x: what's your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
@Jamberee13: Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.