Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@AdamBroud: Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

@TragicAllyHere: *being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin' on, snack-wise?

@justinshanes: I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, "Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!"

@theshantilly: Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I'm not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

@QwertyJones3: [First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

@panmidwest: [Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it's today!

ME: it's always today, janet

@sixfootcandy: [family brunch]
Sister: We'd love you to be our daughter's godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

@pittdave13: First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun...

@OhNoSheTwitnt: There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I'd even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

@Reverend_Scott: When I lift one of my dog's muddy paws to clean it he acts like he's gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2