Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@HenpeckedHal: I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

@ArfMeasures: Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

@AmberSmelson: I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

@allisonkilkenny: A horror movie short about a woman who is trying to work in a cafe and she slowly realizes the staff is setting up the room for an open mic

@Peauxtassium: Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

@Elizasoul80: Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

"Yes, everyone."

@McGrumpenstein: FRIEND: You're a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

@2browneyedboys: If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

@Skoogeth: professor x: what's your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

@Jamberee13: Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.