Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@iwearaonesie: *gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

@coryrichardson_: [catching up with an old friend]

me: [out of breath] how are you still so fast

@Chumpstring: [invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

@OctopusCavemann: Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

@NewDadNotes: Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da...say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa...daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

@stodghill10: what happens when you put nutella on salmon

u get salmonella

haha haha

someone d8 me plz

@petemandik: i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

@OakHill_: I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

@Chumpstring: Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can't distinguish between someone who's peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.