Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@citizenkawala: Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don't even know where to begin with this

@AthenasOlive: I once listened to Heart at 3am smoking a cigarette with mascara running down my face.

Teacher: We usually choose a book for story time..

@MelvinofYork: It's bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

@kumailn: Pitch: child wishes to become big & does. Gets job at toy company & his youthful perspective doesn't help cuz he's got the brain of a child.

@prufrockluvsong: *shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

@AimeeHelene1: When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don't ruin this for me!

@TheBoydP: The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

@ReticentTurnip: GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

@Mr_Kapowski: I woke up angry this morning

She doesn’t like when I call her that but I just call it like I see it