@Charalanahzard: Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
@HousewifeOfHell: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
@PaperWash: Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.
@Elizasoul80: Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
@TheHyyyype: [i'm on the ship's deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that's not what i meant by "walk the plank"
@simoncholland: I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
@JohnLyonTweets: I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
@3sunzzz: So it turns out that you can't use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
@jergarl: I'd like to think I have a decent eye for fashion and my wife is like "OMG REMEMBER WHEN THAT HOBO PUT MONEY IN YOUR COFFEE LOL?"
@CorkyKneivel: Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.