@ily_pineapple: you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
@tiemoose: [undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
@KrispyTacoBelle: Him: "What's your body count?"
Me: "For what?"
Him: "People you've slept with..."
Me: "Ohhh! I thought you saw the basement..."
@Megatronic13: Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Radio: fifteen times
Radio: every hour
Radio: for the next six months
@DaddyJew: If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?
@saramvalentine: Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
@MeetMrAhmeed: Uber should have a way of showing fare charges while trip is still going on, so you can know when to come down and start trekking
@: Uber should have a way of showing fare charges while trip is still going on, so you can know when to come down and start trekking
@daemonic3: ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?