@AnkCoupleTO: Taco Bell wouldn't be so popular if indoor plumbing didn't exist
@djdarrellripley: Me: OMG, I haven't seen you in so long!
Her: We've never met.
Me: That long huh?
@ImSoFrancis: BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
@OwensDamien: In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
@underchilde: As a father, I would refuse to give my daughter away at her wedding on the grounds that I would have to be there.
Man *proposing to his gf*: "Will you make me the happiest man alive?"
[me, alone, eating nachos a table over]
@CarolineCasey: We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
@davidkenny100: I live on the edge
Her: So sexy
I almost fell once
Her: Oh! You actually live..
My home insurance is so expensive
@3sunzzz: My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
@T_Bonezzz_: Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife