@LlamaInaTux: "Son, you suck."
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
@envydatropic: Someone told me that Jaws isn't even a real shark and that he doesn't live in lakes. That's the craziest talk I've ever heard.
@perfect_messs: [having breakfast]
Me: It’s just...I don’t ever want to live without you.
Him: Aw babe, that’s so sweet. I don’t want to live without you either.
Me: *looks up from gazing longingly at my coffee* What?
@boxofhamsters: my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
@hamersauce: [after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare