Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@batkaren: Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

@1MeLrO: I get my best cardio at the grocery store because I never make a list

And back to isle 3 and repeat

@steeve_again: Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

@TheAlexNevil: *House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

@Tired_Dad_of_2: I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

@envydatropic: YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

@swedishsweets99: Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

@AimeeHelene1: Me: I'm so fat...

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

@Kateness8: [walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

@junejuly12: I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.