Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@ClichedOut: interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

@Browtweaten: Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

@Carbosly: Had I been Jesus, being invited to "The Last Supper" would've raised a few red flags.

@ArtfulNight: In hell no one is allowed to get divorced and you have to go on a lot of family cruises.

@TheAlexNevil: An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

@iinkedZombie: My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

@elunatyk: My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

@Shenanigans_luv: Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

@TheAlexNevil: People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

@Marcmywords2: Dating is an expensive way to find out you don't like someone.