@UncleDuke1969: The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
@dorsalstream: When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I'm the ocean's lawyer. "Sorry, I have to take this," I say holding a seashell to my ear. "It's my best client."
@AndrewNadeau0: FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
@skittle624: It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
@C00LpenNAME: [at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry...
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
@FattMernandez: Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
@MikeDrucker: We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
@yoyoha: Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
@pants_leg: a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods