@starsnbars7: When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
@ShortSleeveSuit: ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
- cures cancer
- saves endangered species
- discovers Atlantis
- solves energy crisis
- finds all missing children
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can't you do something about blindness? Don't forget to call your aunt Cathy...
@ShootyDoody: Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
F: Really into Craft Beer.
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That's every man I know.
@AshleyFrankly: Me: I want you inside of me.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
@TheAlexNevil: People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
@Darlainky: Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*