Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@AnkCoupleTO: Taco Bell wouldn't be so popular if indoor plumbing didn't exist

@djdarrellripley: Me: OMG, I haven't seen you in so long!

Her: We've never met.

Me: That long huh?

@ImSoFrancis: BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

@OwensDamien: In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

@underchilde: As a father, I would refuse to give my daughter away at her wedding on the grounds that I would have to be there.

@Mr_Kapowski: [restaurant]

Man *proposing to his gf*: "Will you make me the happiest man alive?"

[me, alone, eating nachos a table over]
"Not possible"

@CarolineCasey: We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

@davidkenny100: I live on the edge

Her: cool

It's scary

Her: So sexy

I almost fell once

Her: Oh! You actually live..

My home insurance is so expensive

@3sunzzz: My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

@T_Bonezzz_: Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife