Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@tiemoose: [undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

@KrispyTacoBelle: Him: "What's your body count?"

Me: "For what?"

Him: "People you've slept with..."

Me: "Ohhh! I thought you saw the basement..."

Him: "What?"

Me: "What?"

@Megatronic13: Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

@DaddyJew: If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?

@saramvalentine: Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

@MeetMrAhmeed: Uber should have a way of showing fare charges while trip is still going on, so you can know when to come down and start trekking

@: Uber should have a way of showing fare charges while trip is still going on, so you can know when to come down and start trekking

@daemonic3: ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?