@upsidedowntrash: Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I've heard of him.
@Brainy_Bear: The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
@mattgallo123: Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
@TheCatWhisprer: Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it's a dead body.
@catstronomical: I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
@exclaimeditor: Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
@3sunzzz: The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
@shutupmikeginn: Advantage of seeing a goose: you just saw something interesting my friend.
Disadvantage: next goose experience less meaningful
@sbellelauren: i'm awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
@ElleOhHell: I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."