Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@starsnbars7: When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

@ShortSleeveSuit: ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww

@CatsVsHumanity: Me:
- cures cancer
- saves endangered species
- discovers Atlantis
- solves energy crisis
- finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can't you do something about blindness? Don't forget to call your aunt Cathy...

@ShootyDoody: Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That's every man I know.

@AshleyFrankly: Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

@TheAlexNevil: People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

@Darlainky: Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

@DevilryFun: Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.