@AndyAsAdjective: ME AT 19: I'm gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I'm gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I'm gonna try a different cat litter
@Laser_Cat: If Skyrim has taught me anything, it's that you should always check people's urns for gold. Don't be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
@Donna_McCoy: *makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
@MrGeorgeWallace: Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin', keepin' that magma to themselves and whatnot.
@jonnysun: INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
@truegritrumble: PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don't go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
@rickygervais: If a swan broke my arm I'd keep it quiet. Embarrassing. "Help, I'm being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken." Not cool.
@LoverOfComics94: Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
@jazmasta: My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That's whey past my bedtime
@JimmerThatisAll: I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.