Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@GaryJanetti: Yes, the Nazis were wrong but the Von Trapps were also singing very loudly, all the time, and had refused to stop.

@yenniwhite: My toddler said "I'm happy" and then "We're best friends." But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

@pauleggleston: Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK... *flashes cardigan*

@Marcmywords2: The family you've pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

@anerdonfire2: I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I'm the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she's bored

@TheMichaelRock: If half-empty water bottles were currency, I'd be rich af.

@Cheeseboy22: My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

@alfageeek: Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

@ehdannyboy: "Take it with a pinch of salt," my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.