@iwearaonesie: *gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
@coryrichardson_: [catching up with an old friend]
me: [out of breath] how are you still so fast
@Chumpstring: [invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
@OctopusCavemann: Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
@NewDadNotes: Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da...say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa...daaaa da
@stodghill10: what happens when you put nutella on salmon
u get salmonella
someone d8 me plz
@awordforaword: I think we should hear other voices.
@petemandik: i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
@OakHill_: I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
@Chumpstring: Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can't distinguish between someone who's peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.