Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@TweetPotato314: Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

@Browtweaten: Son: Why are we doing this?

Mom: Because it's a traditional teenage event you kids still deserve to have

Daughter: Well I'm mortified

Dad: *From the turntables* Whassup Mortified, I'm DJ Dad and welcome to HOME SCHOOL PROM!

@junejuly12: [In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

@dumbbeezie: I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

@gigi_k1: Everybody gangsta until the cockroach starts flying

@dave_cactus: [first night in hell]
This isn't so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

@donni: ME: So what's happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

@AndrewNadeau0: LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

@YourDailyGroan: If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don't know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

@ArfMeasures: God: I'm calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you're so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks