@kashanacauley: The next James Bond is just going to be three hours of him trying to get all his info off Facebook.
@Gupton68: Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I'm more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
@ThisOneSayz: *watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
@scant_alpaca: [holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: on holiday, what do you miss most about your work?
Me: lol I think I'm hearing the question wrong
@Mom_Overboard: *accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: How was your day?
Me: *kicks ball, ball rolls and tips water bottle into glass, weight of full glass releases ziplining GI Joe to push marble, marble rolls off weight tying balloon down to unveil banner reading “I ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING TODAY”*
@Marlebean: I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they're holding me hostage
@TouchOfAlchemy: Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
@Parkerlawyer: You scream "SWEEP THE LEG!" one time and all of a sudden you're "invited" to watch your kid's wrestling match from the parking lot.