Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@LlamaInaTux: "Son, you suck."

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

@GigglesAndKush: Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

@envydatropic: Someone told me that Jaws isn't even a real shark and that he doesn't live in lakes. That's the craziest talk I've ever heard.

@ohmygrapeness: Lingerie.

...or as I like to call it... fancy pants!

@perfect_messs: [having breakfast]

Me: It’s just...I don’t ever want to live without you.

Him: Aw babe, that’s so sweet. I don’t want to live without you either.

Me: *looks up from gazing longingly at my coffee* What?

@boxofhamsters: my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

@KylePlantEmoji: We're all 60% water, so get off your high horse "aqua" man

@hamersauce: [after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

@SuperApple80: Keep me in your prayers. My daughter just found her old recorder.

@OneToothTexan: Them: I’ve never been so insulted.

Me: I can do better.