@JustDontBugMe: [Secret Meeting]
God: We need to create something Magical
Angel: Yes, Sir
G: Call it Unicorn
A: *Tries and fails
G: Call it rhinoceros
@papasuncle: A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
@VanGobot: *captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you'll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
@oakhillbargrill: Son: I'm addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Son: *turns into bat
@WheelTod: [Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I'd like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I'm sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
@truegritrumble: COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
@iwearaonesie: *power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I'm on it
@ArfMeasures: [Chameleon meeting]
ME: You guys are here, right?
@Book_Krazy: *Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*
[whispers] "Now you're just somebody that I used to blow"
@DothTheDoth: Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.