@bourgeoisalien: I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
@gilbertjasono: Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
@xLiserx: Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it's still "Lisa, you've been banned from this Wendy's".
@_youhadonejob1: Meanwhile in London.
@bridger_w: If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
@MarloMeekins: Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
@ceejoyner: a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
@LeoKolade: When God sends confusion into the camp of your enemies
@UnFitz: If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they're both doms, do they just fight to the death?
@ClichedOut: Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.