@BlindChow: One plain pizza plz
"Ok, one cheese pizza"
"Um ok, sauce only"
"But that's just crust"
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
@Rollinintheseat: I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
@archerenemy: Referring to her 28-day cycle as her Doomsday Clock is wrong...
I know that now...
@Parkerlawyer: My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
@JustDontBugMe: Like my priest always says, "Your confessions are the reason I drink."
@delusions_of: I wish when someone called me my phone had an "Accept", "Decline" and "Send Electric Shock" option.
@TheAlexNevil: *sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
@LoveNLunchmeat: Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
@ThisOneSayz: Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly