Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@ShortyStacked: Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

@actualhuman01: her: you seem really upset, what's up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

@awkwardwit: For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

@isabelzawtun: "Veggies?" The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

@PleaseBeGneiss: ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

@ThatAdamKid: Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like "What up who's here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies"

@MizzusT: Yeah, but can your 25 year old girlfriend do this? *falls asleep standing up*

@Staggfilms: HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*