Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@LlamaInaTux: airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here's 100 bucks, take me as far as that'll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I'll figure it out.

@JustMeTurtle: I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

@_salt_n_lime: My husband told me to hurry up so naturally I took an extra 30 minutes to get ready.

@nyquills: Me: this horror movie is completely unrealistic.

Wife: shhh

Me: the main characters are so stupid look at them walking into an obvious trap.

Wife: shut up and watch

Me: bet she's a witch and he was under a spell the whole ti-

Wife: ffs it's our wedding video!

@VisionBored1: I am at my most old Italian man when I buy something that tastes awful from Costco but eat it all anyway because I paid good money for that and we don’t waste food in this house

@ArfMeasures: Me: I'm here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy's good

@sixfootcandy: *whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

@kibblesmith: Well my name's Harry Potter and I'm here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

@LoveNLunchmeat: Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.