Funny Tweeter

@MeetYourDaddy: I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

@robdelaney: You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow

@TheTweetOfGod: Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

@timdonakowski: "You got a friend in me" - your friend's girlfriend

@delusionaliam: I always carry a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say "I like your haircut", I can respond with, "Thanks, here, have some."

@buck4itt: Don't email me a link to a 6 minute youtube video. I wouldn't watch a video that long if in contained clues to solve my own murder.

@N0pantz: I'm convinced some of you are here because someone didn't properly lock your cage.

@raniao2011: It's so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself to women.

@Cpin42: I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

@noogscorner: You can win any argument by taking your shirt off and high-fiving an invisible dragon. No one’s gonna continue arguing with that person.