Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@ArfMeasures: COP: It's 4/20

ME: Yes, and I'm a dealer!

COP: Then you're under arrest

ME: I'm a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

@junejuly12: No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

@TheMadShattter: Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

@Steven37366100: Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

@EndhooS: [Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

@mrjohndarby: [arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

@Marlebean: *Sends carrier pigeon back*

"I have a suitor."

@Playing_Dad: Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it's cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you're worried it's cancer let's go get it checked out.
Me: No, I'm good.

@LlamaInaTux: Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I'm a man

@Reverend_Scott: [history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct