Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@UncleDuke1969: When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

@cravin4: My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

@Marlebean: *crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

@theDRaGnrebOrN: Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man...could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

@ramblinma: I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

@TweetPotato314: me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

@NewDadNotes: God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]


God: technically that’s not flying lol.

@Brampersandon_: ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said "cauliflower is just white broccoli"
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

@_elvishpresley_: me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

@iamspacegirl: imagine an evil whale. you can't. what would it even do