Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@TuSoonShakur: "The floor is larva."

- Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

@SummerSongGirl: When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think...

@tweetmommybop: We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

@justsomegirl81: I was having a perfectly lovely Wednesday until someone told me it’s Monday.

@MissHavisham: “I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

@ShootyDoody: Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

@harriweinreb: the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

@sixfootcandy: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

@AnniemuMary: If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

@KissabiX: If you break a mirror is it 7 years bad luck for you or the person whose head you just smashed it over?