Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@XplodingUnicorn: [getting ready for church]

Me: If you don't hurry up and get dressed, we're leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don't hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

@Jandalize: Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

@heiditron3000: Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: ...are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

@Shade510: Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

@TheHyyyype: superman villains:

darkseid - galactic conqueror
doomsday - indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker - tells little jokes
the riddler - poses little riddles
the penguin - is a penguin

@GrillinChillin9: Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.

@MaverickBistro: Have you ever listened to some folks talk for a bit and thought ... their cornbread ain't done in the middle

@TheToddWilliams: [blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

@trumpetcake: Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It's a conversation starter: "Ever seen a lion's egg?"

A conversation avoider: "Excuse me! Hot hot hot!"

A conversation ender: "Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!"

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

@sixfootcandy: Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.