@UncleDuke1969: When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
@cravin4: My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
@Marlebean: *crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
@theDRaGnrebOrN: Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man...could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
@ramblinma: I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
@TweetPotato314: me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
@NewDadNotes: God: you’re a bird.
God: but you can’t fly.
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
@Brampersandon_: ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said "cauliflower is just white broccoli"
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
@_elvishpresley_: me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty