Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@dsylixec: If you're trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

@Darlainky: My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won't mind bumping into me on campus.

@cajones113: Customer: I can't see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That's not very healthy... Just the smokes then.

@CulturedRuffian: 'Worcestershire' sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

@3sunzzz: If a bear attacks me, I'm staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

@ashmensch: *Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

"Oh no! My research!!"

@El_nacho_Nigre: Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you'll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

@thatUPSdude: "Eating Clean" means not leaving a scrap behind on your plate right?

Then yes, I "eat clean".

@Ygrene: [first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that's swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]