Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@Sean_Burgundy_: Sorry I swung from your chandeliers

It will happen again

@Fried_Tweeter: Whoever named a pack of Hyenas a Cackle should name more groups of animals.

@sarcasticmommy4: My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

@amydillon: "Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, GUYS!"

-me, parenting

@PhuckinCody: [walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn't know corporate was coming

@AndrewChamings: murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

@AndyAsAdjective: *starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn't die this time*

@chelseaperetti: "WHEN ARE U DUE?" WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

@dafloydsta: [girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

@nedprice: Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community's analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.