@TuSoonShakur: "The floor is larva."
- Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
@SummerSongGirl: When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think...
@tweetmommybop: We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
@justsomegirl81: I was having a perfectly lovely Wednesday until someone told me it’s Monday.
@MissHavisham: “I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
@ShootyDoody: Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
@sixfootcandy: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
@AnniemuMary: If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
@KissabiX: If you break a mirror is it 7 years bad luck for you or the person whose head you just smashed it over?