Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@BlindChow: One plain pizza plz
"Ok, one cheese pizza"
No cheese
"Um ok, sauce only"
No sauce
"But that's just crust"
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

@Rollinintheseat: I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

@archerenemy: Referring to her 28-day cycle as her Doomsday Clock is wrong...

I know that now...

@Parkerlawyer: My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

@JustDontBugMe: Like my priest always says, "Your confessions are the reason I drink."

@delusions_of: I wish when someone called me my phone had an "Accept", "Decline" and "Send Electric Shock" option.

@TheAlexNevil: *sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

@LoveNLunchmeat: Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

@ThisOneSayz: Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

@JonBaker: [future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly