Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@JustDontBugMe: [Secret Meeting]

God: We need to create something Magical

Angel: Yes, Sir

G: Call it Unicorn

A: *Tries and fails

G: Call it rhinoceros

@papasuncle: A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

@VanGobot: *captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you'll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

@oakhillbargrill: Son: I'm addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

@WheelTod: [Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I'd like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I'm sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great

@truegritrumble: COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

@iwearaonesie: *power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I'm on it

@ArfMeasures: [Chameleon meeting]

ME: You guys are here, right?

@Book_Krazy: *Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] "Now you're just somebody that I used to blow"

@DothTheDoth: Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.