@Darlainky: Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
@McGrumpenstein: my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
@KeetPotato: karate teacher: "break this wood"
karate teacher: "i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you"
me: [gives wood my wallet]
@T_Bonezzz_: [FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
@LoveNLunchmeat: I'm not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I'm 117.
@NewDadNotes: Me: I just finished mowing my lawn.
Me: I’m gonna have a BBQ today.
Me: I really hope my son’s soccer game gets rained out.
God: lol. no rain.
@NewDadNotes: Wife: [on phone] what are you up to?
Me: We Bought a Zoo with Matt Damon.
Wife: aw I love that movie!
Me: what movie?
Matt Damon: did you tell her yet? [elephant noise in the background] what did she say?
@drankturpentine: ME: *falling in love with my karate instructor* how about we turn this roundhouse into a roundhome?
KARATE INSTRUCTOR: *roundhome kicks me in the gut*
@_steamy_mac: Some weird dude on the street just told me that the end is near and now I can’t stop hugging him and saying, “thank you.”