Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Darlainky: Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

@McGrumpenstein: my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

@KeetPotato: karate teacher: "break this wood"
me: "why?"
karate teacher: "i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you"
me: [gives wood my wallet]

@T_Bonezzz_: [FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

@LoveNLunchmeat: I'm not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I'm 117.

@NewDadNotes: Me: I just finished mowing my lawn.

God: rain.

Me: I’m gonna have a BBQ today.

God: rain.

Me: I really hope my son’s soccer game gets rained out.

God: lol. no rain.

@NewDadNotes: Wife: [on phone] what are you up to?

Me: We Bought a Zoo with Matt Damon.

Wife: aw I love that movie!

Me: what movie?

Matt Damon: did you tell her yet? [elephant noise in the background] what did she say?

@drankturpentine: ME: *falling in love with my karate instructor* how about we turn this roundhouse into a roundhome?

KARATE INSTRUCTOR: *roundhome kicks me in the gut*

@skickwriter: Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

@_steamy_mac: Some weird dude on the street just told me that the end is near and now I can’t stop hugging him and saying, “thank you.”