Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Darlainky: {emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

@AbbyHasIssues: No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn't know you needed to buy the first time.

@3sunzzz: I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

@JohnLyonTweets: [first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

@iwearaonesie: me *watches toddler push wife's work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

@ArchiePeeler: If anyone pulls a quarter from behind your ear you chloroform them and put them in chains in your basement and you'll always have quarters.

@DraggingFeeties: "Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes"

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

@Shot_Of_Cabo: She: OMG I'm so wet.

Me: *hands her roll of paper towels*

@PetrickSara: [Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

@ThaJawn: *arrives at funeral

*whispers to widow

Where should I park my food truck?