Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@leapeajo: What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

@squirrel74wkgn: [in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

@TheBoydP: I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

@steeve_again: [planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

@daddydoubts: Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking....really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

@MelvinofYork: The word "hello" only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

@fishbowel: Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

@BuckyIsotope: *all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

@Hobo_Splendido: Found a half empty bottle of salad dressing in the woods. Not sure how kids party nowadays but I don't think I can hang.