Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@Darlainky: "Slow down, it's not a race," I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

@FU_TangClan: me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’m gonna turn this car around and none of us are going to prison

@tweetsbymoon: octopus: [gun in each hand]

cat: you're one short buddy

@House_Feminist: I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I'll send them crying to their mommies

@LuvPug: Distance doesn't matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

@: me standing up forgetting i have an iron deficiency

@flashember: a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky "mom" lol like how embarassing

@Divergentmama: My husband told me he thinks he folded the towels right, so I told him I think he might get lucky tonight...

...and now he's refolding them.

@TuSoonShakur: kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland