Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@theshantilly: 9: I'm writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I'll write something else.

@TSDD24: HER: Let's do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What's ur sister do for work?

@captainkalvis: DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful

ME: *trying to impress her* well my wedding is tomorrow you should come

@thebeckyard: Angry beavers can't get our packaging open, but go ahead and try in your weakened state lol

-cold medicine companies

@Hector_Srsly: #WhenIWasYourAge getting pictures were at least a one hour ordeal that involved other people and a lab

@putyoursisterd1: "If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!"

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

@sofarrsogud: *always thought 'copulation' was the amount of police officers in a given country.

@ObscureGent: My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

@CantWaitToNap: An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

@GlennyRodge: Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you'd think she'd remember something like that.