Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@P_o_n_k: Using my phone screen as a light, I search for my phone. Behind 1way glass, a bunch of chimps in lab coats write on their clipboards and nod

@theshantilly: Don't let anyone tell you who you are unless you're concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

@Chumpstring: SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you're saying is no more condoms

@ValeeGrrl: My son just sat me down to gently explain how I haven't made his summer "fun enough" yet so now he's folding laundry. In a totally fun way.

@KissabiX: [during sex]

Me: yeah, you like that?

Him: mmhmm yeah

Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that blue?

@seandunn76: Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

@Diversion50: POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

@psybermonkey: Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

@UnFitz: I'll see the eclipse when it's out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

@LuvPug: Everyone is acting like they're all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone