*goes to heaven
Grandma: Just so you know, I saw that stupid tweet about me
*slaps my head
ARE YOU HUNGRY YOU LOOK THIN?
@Holy_Mowgli: restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can't wait
restaurant owner: I don't think this will work out then
@patnspankme: People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
@iwearaonesie: friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
@McGrumpenstein: Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
@ObscureGent: *God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
@xLiserx: My adult coloring book is filled with pictures of people paying bills, washing dishes, & tugging at their belly fat in front of the mirror.
@simoncholland: I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I'm bringing a wireless router.
@AnOrangeSNES: [Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don't know who you are, but I will find Nemo.