Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@mrjohndarby: me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

@WhaJoTalkinBout: her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she's a puppy

me: omg I love it

@Kbrizz1: The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

@MustardSally1: I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

@Trillburne: couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting "baseball game!" I think about him every day

@KylePlantEmoji: Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

@RemarkableIdiot: Lmao my ex is getting married. It’s honestly pathetic how far some people will go just to make you jealous. Get over it Brianna it’s been 6 years.

@JamColley: I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

@protectynggirls: cats be 9 years old no school no job just in the house meowing

@: cats be 9 years old no school no job just in the house meowing