Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@AndrewChamings: MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just...[sobbing]...don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

@Sanbel11: -Come on, it's time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

@Ideal_Victoria: Me: This is the year I'm going to save money.

Also me: *googles, "how to purchase a baby elephant?"*

@TheCatWhisprer: My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

@ComedicBust: *Blind Date*

Her: Ask me anything..

Me: Do you know how to properly layer nachos?

Her: Are you seri..

Me: *flips table*

@KeetPotato: would you like to come on our quiz show? you could win £2,000,000?
[imagines spending the entire show standing up]
"no thanks"

@DadandBuried: Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

@ArfMeasures: ME: I've brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

@rockymomax: WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I'll leave you
ME: but I'm a slave 4 u
WIFE: that's it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

@Rollmaninoz: [date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that's correct