@BuckyIsotope: Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
@copymama: Fact: Moms yelling out "careful!" have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
@TheBoydP: I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
@KeetPotato: [restaurant owners meeting]
"we should start asking customers if they've been here before"
"absolutely no reason at all"
@LanieLalaBugs: My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it "The Yard"
@AndyAsAdjective: I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
@JasonLastname: On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
@Everette: iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they're basically the same
@DanMentos: me: who’s ur favorite actor
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
@noahjussi: you: Asian names are hard
you: I love the music of Tchaikovsky
you: Schwarzenegger movies are great
you: my fav Targaryen is Daenerys