Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@4owe5i: I hate going to the kitchen finding out that Iā€™m the only snack in the house

@morganastra: you ever think about how "welp" is just the modern English version of "alas"

@radtoria: "He's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now."

@: "He's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now."

@InternetHippo: With people getting in trouble for yearbook content my high school strategy of not having friends or going to any parties is finally paying off

@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Women like when you're honest with them.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So tell me about yourself.
ME: *leans in close* I didn't bring any money.

@jazmasta: A fun game to play when you're lonely is "passing the ball from your imaginary husband to your imaginary child"

@markedly: [having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying "sex sounds"

@potsiegirlsarah: Doctor: How often do you exercise?

Me: 4 times.

Doctor: A week? A month? A year?

Me: I have given my answer.