Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@UnFitz: Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

@Brampersandon_: [date]
ME: ill have the fish & chips
MERMAID: are u serious?
ME: what
MERMAID: *tries to storm off but ends up just flopping around a bit*

@girlnarly: who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn't an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

@bourgeoisalien: cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

@sixfootcandy: Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

@HousewifeOfHell: The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn't allowed to leave the yard.

@deedles420: If a conspiracy theorist tries to suck you into one of their wacky stories, just counter it with an even crazier theory.

Them: the moon landing was fake!

You: dude u still believe the moon is real? *shake ur head & walk away*

@sarcasticmommy4: Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

@DevilryFun: Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

@AngryRaccoon2: 14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that's easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.