Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@DrCephalopod: [feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it's called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

@Shen_the_Bird: Her: what's this writing on your hand?
Me: I was cheating on an exam
Her: it just says "hand"
Me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

@Staggfilms: ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

@Darlainky: Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who's alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

@djdarrellripley: Doctor: You've got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you're dying.

@djdarrellripley: Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I'd never get a parking place.

@iwearaonesie: me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

@nachdermas: REHAB: I am going to get well
AHAB: I am going to get whale

@fro_vo: WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

@dumbbeezie: Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge