@: Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
@mattgallo123: <job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?
@AshleyGriffo_: Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don't have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but can't tipfinger
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What's the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
@Swishergirl24: I need more disguises so Costco doesn't know I'm eating there for free every day.
@ThugRaccoons: Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
@Fickle_Filly: I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
@fro_vo: GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what