Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@sip_at_home_mom: I'm finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

@better_off_dad: I can't believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can't even spell 'Ugly' right...

@upsidedowntrash: Link: [plays 'Song of Time']

Zelda: No no that's all wrong! There's no E in that melody.

Link: [plays 'Song of Tim']

@DaddyJew: [spelling bee]

Narrator: relax

Contestant: ok

Narrator: I'm sorry but that's incorrect

C: what?

N: our next contestant...

@Twtercide: I will not think of sex at church
I will not think of sex at church
I will not.

Priest: Which leads us to his Second Coming

Me: Goddammit!

@TrolleyCat: I'm not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It's a group effort, bears.

@KeetPotato: [friends chatting in back of my car]
"im good at impressions"
how good?
"watch"
in satnav voice: "turn left"
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

@Phook75: The upside to having kids is how you're able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans

@better_off_dad: It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.