Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@CulturedRuffian: I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

@liv_thatsme: We desperately need something to unite humanity. No, not love or compassion. I'm talking about a full scale alien attack.

@newcastlecourt: Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

@smickable: "Maybe a nap will cheer me up!" she said knowing full well she'd wake up feeling like a prisoner of war who time traveled in a sack of bees.

@4handfuls: Spending the weekend installing toothpaste-colored carpet since my 3 yr old insists on brushing his teeth while walking around the house...

@OneFunnyMummy: Nothing says you're a parent like being jealous of a tree because it's all alone.

@Donna_McCoy: I'm not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

@ThisOneSayz: Me: babe, I don't mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can't fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

@thatUPSdude: Turns out if you fake your death every Monday work catches on.