Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@BuckyIsotope: Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

@copymama: Fact: Moms yelling out "careful!" have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

@TheBoydP: I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

@KeetPotato: [restaurant owners meeting]
"we should start asking customers if they've been here before"
why though?
"absolutely no reason at all"
ok deal

@LanieLalaBugs: My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it "The Yard"

@AndyAsAdjective: I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

@JasonLastname: On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

@Everette: iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they're basically the same

@DanMentos: me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

@noahjussi: you: Asian names are hard
you: I love the music of Tchaikovsky
you: Schwarzenegger movies are great
you: my fav Targaryen is Daenerys