Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@underchilde: [Bank robber]: “Time to make a hasty escape.”

*Passes a store window full of kittens*

*Stands there for six hours*

@knot_eye: Podiatrists don't use metric.

They only deal with feet.

@E_lok44: Don't tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

@TheBoydP: *mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

@Rollmaninoz: God: *inventing the elephant* let's just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

@TheHyyyype: Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

@ComedicBust: [hiding in a pantry during a robbery]

Wife: [terrified and crying]

Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can't taste the difference.

@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

@eXentRic_: Excuse me waiter, I'm in a bit of a hurry, do you have something that has already been Instagrammed?

@KeetPotato: dad: "start a rumour so people are scared of you"
me: "ok"
[later]
cellmate: "i kill people for money"
me: "i brush my teeth with hot water"