@4owe5i: I hate going to the kitchen finding out that I’m the only snack in the house
@morganastra: you ever think about how "welp" is just the modern English version of "alas"
@InternetHippo: With people getting in trouble for yearbook content my high school strategy of not having friends or going to any parties is finally paying off
@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Women like when you're honest with them.
[later on date]
HER: So tell me about yourself.
ME: *leans in close* I didn't bring any money.
@jazmasta: A fun game to play when you're lonely is "passing the ball from your imaginary husband to your imaginary child"
@potsiegirlsarah: Doctor: How often do you exercise?
Me: 4 times.
Doctor: A week? A month? A year?
Me: I have given my answer.