Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Browtweaten: Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That's him, officers

@AnOrangeSNES: I Google image searched the phrase "Google image search" and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

@Home_Halfway: ME: Are these your kids in this photo on your desk?

BOSS: Yep, Shaun and Kendra

ME: *taking out phone* I'll show you my kids, Whiskers and Meowly Cyrus

BOSS: Uh, cats aren't kids

ME: I don't have any cats

@junejuly12: [walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

@daemonic3: [helping kid with math]

me: what is 0.1 as a fraction?

kid: one tenth

me: good, and what does 10% mean?

kid: battery low, plug in your phone

me: perfect

@Mom_Overboard: Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he's still telling me about himself.

@MavenofHonor: Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

@notviking: well they’re gonna sell out pretty quick!

@SketchesbyBoze: C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

@sugarwits: Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.