Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@jadeamberf: at cane's

cashier: you guys ready?
my friend: nah we still looking
cashier: aight well we sell chicken and fries so

@Adam__Melia: My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

@: My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

@kimtopher22: "I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber" and other sad tales of city living.

@ShortSleeveSuit: I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

@T_Bonezzz_: My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

@SteveSuckington: DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is... is that good?

@JohnLyonTweets: Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

@MissHavisham: I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

@mommajessiec: 6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”