@Mr_Kapowski: Elon Musk’s full name is actually Elongated Muskrat
@aundreyamarie: *Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo...
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
@theSolemnBard: INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
@Darlainky: I just misread genetic as generic. I don't know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
@WhiteVictimacy: Food tastes best when seasoned with the tears of everyone behind you in line as you pay with pennies
@SamGrittner: "Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun." - Octopus Police Chief
@BoogTweets: Me: Thank you for shopping at Walmart
Her: *rolling over in bed* next time I pick what we role play
@_freebird99_: Her: I don't know what I would do without my kids.
Me: me neither! But probably watch a 26 minute show on Netflix in under 6 hours.
@coryrichardson_: [training to be a crime investigator]
investigator: he was eaten by a cannibal
me: *writing* eaten by cannon ball
investigator: no, cannon balls shoot, cannibals eat people
me: *writing* cannon balls shoot and eat people
@dumbbeezie: Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.