Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Cheeseboy22: I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: "When is your anniversary?"

@SkinnerSteven: "Open face" is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

@davidleecourt: I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

@obijawn: Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

@JohnLyonTweets: My neighbors' trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

@Mom_Overboard: Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I'm the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

@mommajessiec: Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

@Peauxtassium: It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.