Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Mr_Kapowski: Elon Musk’s full name is actually Elongated Muskrat

@aundreyamarie: *Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo...

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

@theSolemnBard: INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

@Darlainky: I just misread genetic as generic. I don't know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

@WhiteVictimacy: Food tastes best when seasoned with the tears of everyone behind you in line as you pay with pennies

@SamGrittner: "Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun." - Octopus Police Chief

@BoogTweets: Me: Thank you for shopping at Walmart

Her: *rolling over in bed* next time I pick what we role play

@_freebird99_: Her: I don't know what I would do without my kids.
Me: me neither! But probably watch a 26 minute show on Netflix in under 6 hours.

@coryrichardson_: [training to be a crime investigator]

investigator: he was eaten by a cannibal

me: *writing* eaten by cannon ball

investigator: no, cannon balls shoot, cannibals eat people

me: *writing* cannon balls shoot and eat people

@dumbbeezie: Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.