Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@JimmerThatisAll: Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it's something inconvenient.

@ThugRaccoons: Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

@otterloneliness: ME AT 15: oh no climate change is going to kill me

ME AT 25: good

@clichedout: ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that's grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it's archaeology

@daemonic3: [job interview]

interviewer: you're late

me: oh for me? thanks [grabs his coffee and takes sip] but it's pronounced "latte"

@nachdermas: 99% of all online behavior is explained by the fact that everyone is insanely lonely and horny. the remaining 1% is advertising

@traciebreaux: The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

@BullenRoss: DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

@05palak: Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

@YuckyTom: imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day