Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@KalvinMacleod: GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don't u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
@thinkingparsnip: *sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
@markedly: [flirting with Jesus]
So...is there a queen of the Jews
@SheaSerrano: i don't care what anyone says Baby Groot is perfect and i would gladly trade any of my children for him
@BreachingBad: She : You have a girlfriend.
Me : No. I had.
She : Where did she go?
Me : She Ransomware.
@dshack8: Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we're in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I'm gonna set him on fire.
@pleatedjeans: A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
@Douchekevin: My GFs good traits:
Young, gorgeous, incredible in bed and has a dragon
Imaginary- but I overlook these because of the dragon
@iGreenMonk: "Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
@mommy_cusses: Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I'm sorry, what was that?
Person: I'm *air horn*