Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@: Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

@mattgallo123: <job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

@AshleyGriffo_: Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don't have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but can't tipfinger

@Live_tweetz: This is the level of craziness I’m gunning for

@: This is the level of craziness I’m gunning for

@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What's the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

@Swishergirl24: I need more disguises so Costco doesn't know I'm eating there for free every day.

@ThugRaccoons: Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

@Fickle_Filly: I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

@fro_vo: GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what