@emilylime: The more exclamation marks I use, the more I'm lying: Miss you too girl!!! Yea I'd love to go to lunch!!!!! Sorry something came up!!!!!!!!
@ItsDanSheehan: 7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
@stevevsninjas: I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
@manfishj: I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello!!
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special...
@bourgeoisalien: When I die, I'm donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
@SaeedFaridzadeh: No, I don't have time to read the article. Just show me an image, and misguided headline, with the promise of making me angry.
@TheRolo: FBI: "Report anything that seems suspicious"
Citizens: "Jet fuel can't melt steel beams"
FBI: "K like not anything anything"
@looktothepickle: Her: are you even listening? I said I'm breaking up with you!
Me: *biting my burger into a Batman symbol* na na na na na na na na BUR-GERR!