Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@jergarl: *dies

*goes to heaven

Grandma: Just so you know, I saw that stupid tweet about me

*slaps my head

ARE YOU HUNGRY YOU LOOK THIN?

@Holy_Mowgli: restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can't wait
restaurant owner: I don't think this will work out then

@patnspankme: People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

@iwearaonesie: friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

@McGrumpenstein: Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

@ObscureGent: *God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

@xLiserx: My adult coloring book is filled with pictures of people paying bills, washing dishes, & tugging at their belly fat in front of the mirror.

@simoncholland: I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I'm bringing a wireless router.

@AnOrangeSNES: [Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don't know who you are, but I will find Nemo.