Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@emilylime: The more exclamation marks I use, the more I'm lying: Miss you too girl!!! Yea I'd love to go to lunch!!!!! Sorry something came up!!!!!!!!

@ItsDanSheehan: 7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

@panmidwest: [BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

@stevevsninjas: I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

@manfishj: I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello!!

@theflipgod: #WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special...

@bourgeoisalien: When I die, I'm donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

@SaeedFaridzadeh: No, I don't have time to read the article. Just show me an image, and misguided headline, with the promise of making me angry.

@TheRolo: FBI: "Report anything that seems suspicious"

Citizens: "Jet fuel can't melt steel beams"

FBI: "K like not anything anything"

@looktothepickle: Her: are you even listening? I said I'm breaking up with you!

Me: *biting my burger into a Batman symbol* na na na na na na na na BUR-GERR!