Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Tommytoughstuff: IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion.
PERSON (from the back) BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER!
IP: Okay, someone that's not my wife.

@philco816: Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.

@fightforfood: [dentist's full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

@living_marble: Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well... Hey!

@Scarlet_Wiitch: When they bring the bill at the bar and you're too drunk to count😂

@xosm: Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I'd rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

@lovejulieacafe: *Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
"TAAA-DAAA!"

@usermcuserface: Mary and Joseph watch the 3 wise men leave
M: I can't believe they went off the registry.
J: I know! Even the son of god needs burp cloths.

@chuuew: Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn't make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

@Audenary: DUMBLEDORE: Who's brought evil into Hogwarts?

HARRY: I think it's Malfoy, professor!

DARK MYSTERIOUS NEW TEACHER: Oh come on