@Brampersandon_: [using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
@stevevsninjas: Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
@PhilosophyMttrs: Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
@AndyRichter: I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
chemist 1: I’ll have some H2O
chemist 2: I’ll have some H2O also
chemist 2’s arch nemesis disguised as a waiter: [under breath] so close....
@amandaacheckers: My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
@charmshot: some clown on twitter: friendly reminder that you don't OWE your friends friendship. OR loyalty. or ANYTHING indicating that you deserve their trust
that same clown one week later: you ever feel like.... you're not anybody's favorite person..... and nobody ever checks on you
@TweetPotato314: [Sea World]
me: how much to see the great white sharks?
vendor: tickets are $25 each
me: alright *looks up from wallet* how much for the just ok white sharks?
@girlnarly: tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
@Jake_Vig: [crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?