Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@captainkalvis: date: [walking out of the theater after seeing happy feet] that was so cute

me: [has a foot fetish] it was fine

@VerbsRProudest: When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

@IamJackBoot: I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

@roxiqt: There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It's a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it's not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

@UnfilteredMama: We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

@SortaBad: "So it's agreed? If we're both single at age 40 we're doing this?"

Yes. If we're alone at 40, we're getting matching racecar beds

@CatsVsHumanity: Him: Don't make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

@Aikiwomannc: Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

@ClichedOut: [tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

@Browtweaten: *Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a "Children At Play" sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM