@ItsDanSheehan: The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
@jonnysun: if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
@Bob_Janke: If you're ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
@Aikiwomannc: Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it's flesruoy.
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
@GrantTanaka: me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
@linkindrinkin: [first date]
her: so, do you swing?
me [trying to impress]: i prefer the seesaw
her husband: that's not what she meant
@iamspacegirl: Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
@FU_Dad: Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
@squirrel74wkgn: [at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore