Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@GingerCaat: Frankly, I don't know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
@mrjohndarby: [god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
@JRobb773: I'm a very honest person except when HR asks if I'm the one trying to weaponize the pigeons outside my office.
@AbbyHasIssues: I can't remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I'm your gal.
@LuvPug: Women don't mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it's when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
@wolfpupy: you couldn't be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
@WheelTod: Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don't wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
@MelvinofYork: I just told my boss that "STFU" stands for "Sincere Thanks For Understanding" and it's REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
"It's amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing."
@WheelTod: Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone