@dumbbeezie: Not now, I'm looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
@Sleinso: [First date]
Her: I love parkour.
Me: *trying to impress* My ancestors were monkeys.
@AbbyHasIssues: My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
@underfleeker: I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I'll put it down the front.
@stevevsninjas: Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What's up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
@FuckabillyRex: Her: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Me: It's a meatball sub and I'm happy as long as I don't have to share
@GloriaFallon123: I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I'd know how the outfit would look on me
@SkinnerSteven: The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
@JeremyKCMO: Wifi- Are you comfortable? Like really comfortable?
Me- Yeah, why?
@KandyKoehn: me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!