Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@JanineEB4: People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
@WilliamAder: One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
@rcromwell4: Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can't argue with her logic regarding intruders.
@AimeeHelene1: *husband comes outside*
"What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?"
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
@CamusOverEasy: The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At 8:00 AM.
In the snack food aisle.
@KeetPotato: [guy driving the same kia waves as he passes us]
son: why did that man wave at you
me: because we've both made the same mistakes in life son
@MarfSalvador: [Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
@bridger_w: When I'm worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
@9GAG: If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
@Chalu_Chokra: Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.