Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@lmwortho: I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

@thepaulahunt: "Is he going to be my new dad?" - My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

@NewDadNotes: Daughter: what’s the most painful thing in the world?

Wife: childbir-

Me: eyelash in your ey-


Me: yeah no it’s probably what you said.

@Marlebean: I'm not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I'm just awkward.

@AndrewNadeau0: Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

@mommajessiec: Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

@NewDadNotes: Me: Alexa, watch our kids.

Alexa: ok.

Wife: wait, really?

Me: shhh, lets leave before she changes her mind!

@weismanjake: People say I have an unhealthy relationship with my cat, but we've lived together for 9 years and we still have sex like 3 times a week

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: ... ʸᵉᵖ