Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@OctopusCavemann: I was teaching my son about animals and went to Google “Buffalo” pictures but it auto filled “Buff men shirtless” so we learned about clearing your search history instead.

@JustDontBugMe: I wanted to buy your kid a drum set for her birthday to annoy you but she hates drums.

So instead I bought her a haunted porcelain doll that gets up and plays the drums at 3am

@BobTheSuit: Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

@Jmboyd58: *while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

@simoncholland: My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

@Jerrypleasure: *robbing a bank*
6-year-old: dad, take that stocking off. There's only about 80 cents in this piggy bank.

@: *robbing a bank*
6-year-old: dad, take that stocking off. There's only about 80 cents in this piggy bank.

@liv_thatsme: (overheard a bride getting her hair done at the salon tell the stylist): “I didn’t want any ugly or fat bridesmaids.”

Me (of course, unable to keep my mouth shut): “Good call. It’s not polite to compete with the bride.”

@thenatewolf: My targeted ads keep trying to sell me a new mattress. Come on, Google. Stop pretending like you don’t know exactly how much I have in the bank right now. Send me an ad for $5 footlongs or bulk rice or something.

@ArfMeasures: WIFE: I'm leaving

ME: Well it's no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I'm not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I'm leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos