@9GAGTweets: Ohh no, its retarded
@longwall26: *gets dragged out of daycare* DON'T LISTEN TO THEM! IT'S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT'S A SPOON!! IT'S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
@ClichedOut: Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
@LuvPug: Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
@JediGigi: [end of date]
Him: I'll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I'll just sit here in your car until you do.
@DirtyySouthMess: [To police.]
"I want to press charges on my co-worker Steve."
"What'd he do?"
"Warmed up fish in the office microwave."
@AndrewNadeau0: The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
@JB4Realz: INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I'm unemployed.
@AnkCoupleTO: [job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you're a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo