Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@dadopotamus: “Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

@Dustinkcouch: *sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

@UnFitz: Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

@TuSoonShakur: High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

@ShortSleeveSuit: Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

@XplodingUnicorn: My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

@3sunzzz: [gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

@ClichedOut: Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad's brain:

don't say it
don't say it
don't say it
don't say it
don't say it
don't say it
don't say it
don't say it
don't say it
don't say it

Dad: No I got 'em all cut

@TheHyyyype: bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!