Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@OrangeFact: My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I'm👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I'm👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

@longwall26: *gets dragged out of daycare* DON'T LISTEN TO THEM! IT'S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT'S A SPOON!! IT'S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

@ClichedOut: Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

@LuvPug: Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

@JediGigi: [end of date]
Him: I'll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I'll just sit here in your car until you do.

@DirtyySouthMess: [To police.]

"I want to press charges on my co-worker Steve."

"What'd he do?"

"Warmed up fish in the office microwave."

"...Cuff him."

@AndrewNadeau0: The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

@JB4Realz: INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I'm unemployed.

@AnkCoupleTO: [job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you're a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo