@lmwortho: I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
@thepaulahunt: "Is he going to be my new dad?" - My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
@NewDadNotes: Daughter: what’s the most painful thing in the world?
Me: eyelash in your ey-
Me: yeah no it’s probably what you said.
@AndrewNadeau0: Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
@mommajessiec: Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
@NewDadNotes: Me: Alexa, watch our kids.
Wife: wait, really?
Me: shhh, lets leave before she changes her mind!
@weismanjake: People say I have an unhealthy relationship with my cat, but we've lived together for 9 years and we still have sex like 3 times a week
@Pork_Chop_Hair: Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: ... ʸᵉᵖ