Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Home_Halfway: ME: I thought we'd try something new in the bedroom tonight

WIFE: Oh really, I like that

ME: *holds her hands* Babe, let's tape the bed to the ceiling so we can sleep like bats

@JohnLyonTweets: IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They're my dependencies.

IRS: It's "dependents."

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

@rebrafsim: Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

@horchataqween: just heard a customer two aisles over go “Hey, I think this is that special glass that doesn’t shatter when you drop it” followed by the sound of shattering glass. i hate retail

@Justsydnyc: So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

@ThatBloke_Jesus: Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal.....
Good for him

@parishiltonsdad: every morning I ask the dog "the usual?" before pouring his food into his bowl & neither of us thinks it's funny but that's showbiz folks

@AndrewNadeau0: DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”

DRACULA: Vant.

ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.