Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@ItsDanSheehan: The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

@jonnysun: if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

@Bob_Janke: If you're ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

@Aikiwomannc: Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it's flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

@GrantTanaka: me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

@linkindrinkin: [first date]

her: so, do you swing?

me [trying to impress]: i prefer the seesaw

her husband: that's not what she meant

@iamspacegirl: Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

@ditzkoff: prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

@FU_Dad: Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

@squirrel74wkgn: [at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore