@mattZillaaaa: A wise man once told me,
"Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that"
@AlisonChrista: *dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
@ddsmidt: You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
@delusions_of: My phone always asks if I "Trust This Computer" like it knows something I don't.
@Kris_Florio: A girl who's literally called 'Beauty' walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It's a mystery why Belle had no friends.
@GrillinChillin9: I should have stayed in kindergarten.
@offbeatoliv: U know the 1960's movie "The Birds" about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That's me when I open the Tupperware cabinet...
@ShortSleeveSuit: [first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.