@KentWGraham: PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
@JohnLyonTweets: If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
@aksorojas: fiancé: *marvels at the beauty of the Eiffel Tower*
me: will you do me the greatest honor of *looks at smudged writing on hand* murdering me
@MelvinofYork: Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
@jctwritesstuff: [First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can't... I can't help it.
@murrman5: [to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
@JohnFatherJohn: confession: I'm only getting my PhD in physics cause I wanted my hate for The Big Bang Theory to be more personal.
@OctopusCavemann: [2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
@ClichedOut: Genie: You can't have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
@Reverend_Scott: Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can't, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE'LL COME BACK LATER.