Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@KylePlantEmoji: ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that's an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

@ArfMeasures: Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she's on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

@Lisabug74: *draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

@ObscureGent: *Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time...EVERY NIGHT.

@va_cc11: Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

@iLikeCatShirts: *starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
"Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!"
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

@ArfMeasures: Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it's about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

@WhaJoTalkinBout: Math professor: today we're doing geometry
Me: *falls asleep*

[20 years later]
Occult leader: set up a pentagram of salt
Me: a what now

@Browtweaten: Doctor: You're sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

@Alvildalikely: *lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.