Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@astutenewf: *knocks on women's restroom door*

You gonna finish that sandwich on your desk?

@TheBoydP: Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

@Michael1979: Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper's suit
2. A day before you're due to set a record for the longest anyone's gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who's wearing a beekeeper's suit

@SyrupTishus_01: A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it's $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

@AbbieEvansXO: [Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

@ObscureGent: Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

@fro_vo: ME: hey look it's a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

@drinksmcgee: *buys my kids a PlayStation 4

*kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games

*starts drinking heavily

@junejuly12: No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

@Reverend_Scott: SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?