Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@DurtMcHurtt: *flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

@ZiziFothSi: Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

@kimlockhartga: A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

@FrazzleMyGimp: Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

@PleaseBeGneiss: I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

@: I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

@crlockha: I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

@: I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

@envydatropic: I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

@andlikelaura: [right after sex]

Me: so that was uhh-

The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!