Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@UnFitz: "Sorry" seems to be the hardest word?

There's "Worcestershire," "anemone" & "otorhinolaryngologist."

But whatever.

@TheCiscoKidder: Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

@CulturedRuffian: Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I'm about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

@JeffSarcastic: [dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I'm craving kale

Me: I'll pick

@ThatScoop: Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they're good jokes

@AverageCorners: My garden shed door keeps opening and closing.

Is it the wind? Yes.

Am I going to tell my kids it's haunted so they stay out? Also yes.

@TheAlexNevil: *The First Ever Rodeo

"...Does anyone know what we're supposed to do?"

@shariv67: I sleep with my grandad's WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.

@better_off_dad: 16: 'We should put a flat screen on the wall!'

Wife: 'I really don't like mounting things.'

Me: *mumbles 'No shit.'

W: 'What was that??'

@TheMichaelRock: [at restaurant]]

8yo: why does mom eat half of your food?

Me: because..

Wife *evil glare*

Me *terrified* because I don't want it.