@HatfieldAnne: You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn't think so.
@itsNLEChoppa: girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade level. he's not ignoring your text, he's sounding it out. give him a second.
@Cpin42: A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
@katelynn_rae01: therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
@daemonic3: [interrogation room]
me: i'll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
cop: again, the police dog is not an officer
@Darlainky: Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet."
Kim: "I'm pregnant?!"
*a tiny monkey walks in*
"This is my nurse."
@CrockettForReal: My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
@ShortSleeveSuit: [fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?