Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@IntrovertSquad: Friend: wanna hang out tomorrow?

Me: I actually performed an activity yesterday. Please wait the three day recovery period to submit another inquiry.

@MaraWilson: May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

@LindaInDisguise: My resume is just a piece of paper that says "Please don't Google me."

@OctopusCavemann: Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

@david8hughes: [sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

@_coryrichardson: doctor: *placing his hand on my shoulder* i’m so sorry for your loss

me: w-what are you saying

doctor: of hearing

me: what

@weedguy420boner: There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

@PaperWash: God: kill your son
Abraham: uh...ok
God: holy shit I'm jk
Abraham: umm...
God: I'll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

@drunk: Me: *doesn't drink soda because it's unhealthy*

Me: *drinks alcohol*