@DurtMcHurtt: *flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
@ZiziFothSi: Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
@kimlockhartga: A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
@FrazzleMyGimp: Wife: I’m leaving you
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
@PleaseBeGneiss: I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
@: I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
@crlockha: I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
@envydatropic: I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.