Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@bylinetd: Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

@LittleMissAngr1: Just overheard my daughter's friend say "when your mom tries to be cool..." I didn't hear the rest, but it was probably "...she succeeds".

@1MeLrO: It's not burnt.
It's carmalized!

Me every time I burn something.

@Swoosh61: Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

@VerbsRProudest: 12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

@WhaJoTalkinBout: [reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

@Jarhead44: Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it's hand out of its pants.

@sixfootcandy: Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

@FU_Dad: My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.