Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@DirtMcTurd: [Watching "House Hunters"]

Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell.

Tim: Our budget is $4 million

@msbtx: Son: What does "nihilism" mean?
Me: "Everything is meaningless."
Son: Wow ok nice attitude. Do you know what it means or not?

@panmidwest: [pulled over]
ME: Ok, don't let him know you're an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

@LemmingDad: When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they're saying the names of Ikea furniture.

@Cheeseboy22: My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn't something she wanted for Valentine's Day.

@kimlockhartga: Oh, you think it's "awkward" going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you've dated both the bride & groom.

@StinkyGr33n: I'm brimming with meh today. I'm a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

@Book_Krazy: Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it's like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said "Bring the GIFTS to the alter"

@Chumpstring: COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn't surprise me. it's been acting funny lately

@Mr_Kapowski: Me: What kind of cake for your birthday?

Wife: Just something with chocolate

[later, me in the kitchen melting chocolate over a crab cake]