Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@VanGobot: *sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
@MsSkarsgaard: Someone just called me nice and I've never felt so misunderstood.
@QwertyJones3: MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
@AndyAsAdjective: an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
@seanforhire: if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
@ShortSleeveSuit: Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: *Goes to zoo to see the world's oldest tortoise.
Guide: He's over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
@sarcastictroler: Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
@gosailthesea: rt if you'd call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They're your toys.
4: It's your floor.