Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@HatfieldAnne: You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn't think so.

@itsNLEChoppa: girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade level. he's not ignoring your text, he's sounding it out. give him a second.

@drinksmcgee: That’s exactly what harmful coconut water would say.

@Cpin42: A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

@katelynn_rae01: therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

@daemonic3: [interrogation room]

me: i'll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

cop: again, the police dog is not an officer

@Darlainky: Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet."
Kim: "I'm pregnant?!"
Doc: "No-"
*a tiny monkey walks in*
"This is my nurse."

@CrockettForReal: My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

@ShortSleeveSuit: [fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?