BARISTA: can i get a name?
ME: sure. you look like a Tiffany
BARISTA: no i mean a name for the order
ME: oh! we'll call this "the most important order of the day"
@d_duhwit: Neighbor: Hey I'm sick of your dog doing his business on my lawn.
Me: Ok, sorry. *Walks over to my dog's lawn lemonade stand* Hey, I told you it has to be on our lawn.
@ItsAndyRyan: Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
@fro_vo: ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
@Jandalize: I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
@junejuly12: Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
@GensPlace: I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..