Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@jctwritesstuff: [Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

@SaltyCorpse: The county is excusing our kids from school on eclipse day so they don't accidentally burn their eyes.

I went to school with asbestos...

@AmericanGent69: {during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

@GonePhish: BOSS: how's your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

@oigoabuya: My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he's shrunk

@AndyAsAdjective: Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I'm 45 min. off course but I'm not gonna let him win.

@GlennyRodge: Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren't we supposed to eat fish?

@dafloydsta: [trying to impress date]

HER: I really want to have children.

ME: [to waiter] Bring us your finest baby.

@david8hughes: Kicked out of laser-tag for too many melee attacks.