Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@actualhuman01: her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

@patnspankme: her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

@Reverend_Scott: [Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It's just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power... [winks]

@Tbone7219: Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

@mrjohndarby: me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i'm all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

@mommajessiec: Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

@gobmentcheese: Start hating people now, so you don't have to buy them a Christmas present. Don't wait until the last minute.

@sixfootcandy: Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

@shutupmikeginn: Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.