@IamEveryDayPpl: If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
@BoomBoomBetty: Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
@themessednest: As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
@Ygrene: What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
@Reverend_Scott: FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what's your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she's at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
@NewDadNotes: Prince: should I use a ladder or your hair to climb up to you?
Rapunzel: DO NOT USE THE LATTER!!!
@maisondecris: FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
@AnniemuMary: A bug on my hood as I'm leaving the driveway. Suddenly I'm the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he's ever known.
@AmishPornStar1: So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn't make it a "gender reveal" party.
@LizHackett: A kid in the grocery store screamed "I'M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!" as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.