Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@IamEveryDayPpl: If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

@BoomBoomBetty: Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: ...
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

@themessednest: As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

@Ygrene: What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

@Reverend_Scott: FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what's your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she's at the groomer-


@NewDadNotes: Prince: should I use a ladder or your hair to climb up to you?


@maisondecris: FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

@AnniemuMary: A bug on my hood as I'm leaving the driveway. Suddenly I'm the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he's ever known.

@AmishPornStar1: So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn't make it a "gender reveal" party.

@LizHackett: A kid in the grocery store screamed "I'M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!" as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.