@Book_Krazy: Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
@mattZillaaaa: Real friends don't put their babies on the phone to talk to you
@mattZillaaaa: *wakes up from 2 year coma surrounded by friends & family
Where's my phone?
@DesecratedJewel: Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
@better_off_dad: 'It's nice & thick...you'll have to suck pretty hard.'
- Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
@Alex_N_Chains: "After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands."
- Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
@_ironworx_: Stop tweeting MORNING WOOD jokes!
You get followed by timber accounts and woodpeckers.
Unless you’re building an Ark.
In that case carry on
@Maxine12333: Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you're never
sure what they're up to for the rest of their lives.
@nthall350: The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don't take any chances.
@OrangeFact: HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl ;)
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*