Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@ADDiane: I'd like to speak to America's manager.

@bourgeoisalien: stranger: can i talk to you about Jesus?

me: *explodes into a thousand bats and flies into the nearest Arby's

@justokdane: spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don't worry I'm a good spider

me: there's good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I'm gonna get you

@TheHyyyype: me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

@IamJackBoot: Stop calling me an amateur. I've been doing this for decades. I'm incompetent.

@Jenn_H_Scott: I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

@elle91: Me: Why'd my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don't want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

@NewDadNotes: Wife: we need to save money for the kids college.

Me: ok.

Wife: you could stop going to Starbucks.

Me: you could stop buying separate shampoo and conditioner.

Wife: you know they might not even wanna go to college.

Me: [takes drink of pumpkin spice latte] that’s true.

@molly7anne: Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby :)

@: Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby :)