Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@PhuckinCody: [starbucks]
BARISTA: can i get a name?

ME: sure. you look like a Tiffany

BARISTA: no i mean a name for the order

ME: oh! we'll call this "the most important order of the day"

@d_duhwit: Neighbor: Hey I'm sick of your dog doing his business on my lawn.
Me: Ok, sorry. *Walks over to my dog's lawn lemonade stand* Hey, I told you it has to be on our lawn.

@ItsAndyRyan: Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell

@fro_vo: ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

@Jandalize: I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

@junejuly12: Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

@AFP: #BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt's first nuclear plant

@bobvulfov: me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

@GensPlace: I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..