Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@VanGobot: *sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

@MsSkarsgaard: Someone just called me nice and I've never felt so misunderstood.

@QwertyJones3: MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

@AndyAsAdjective: an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

@seanforhire: if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

@ShortSleeveSuit: Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: *Goes to zoo to see the world's oldest tortoise.

Guide: He's over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

@sarcastictroler: Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

@gosailthesea: rt if you'd call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They're your toys.

4: It's your floor.