Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@squirrel74wkgn: [stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

@Jarhead44: My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

@ClichedOut: [first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

@ArfMeasures: Robber: I'll kill you if your wife doesn't answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where's the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What's the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

@Ygrene: [robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

@briancgrubb: [avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

@catstronomical: *grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

@drankturpentine: magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

@dumbbeezie: If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go