Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
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My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
good work, everybody
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
FINE, I WON’T.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.