And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
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8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
What is going on? 😅
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.