[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
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I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous