@GrandadJFreeman: *painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Why don't we say Grace? Me: I don't know. 5-year-old: Me: 5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
@GrantTanaka: Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you? Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
@AimeeHelene1: Would I miss my leg or my arm more? (me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
@iamledgin: Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal - decide which type of annoying person you want to be.