*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
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Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Just ordered me some pizza!
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.