*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
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[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.