“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
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[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.