*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
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Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Canadian owl: Eh?
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”