Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
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Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
so, is there a mister shapen head
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.