A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
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“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.