I’m good, thanks.
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I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.