PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe