The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
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My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING