Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
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“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.