sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
You Might Also Like
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
(2022)
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
it must be school picture day
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.