date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
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I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
can’t believe I got front row seats
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
a god among men
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
rich people when they have to pay taxes
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Spider-cat: No One Home
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?