Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
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who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.