Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
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me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Somebody’s lying.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I think that’s enough internet for one day…