Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
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The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
CUTE CAT‼︎
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.