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@Gre_Gone: Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
@YeahDrewisOn: Her: I can't believe you slept with her!
Me: WE WERE ON A BREAK!
Her: I just went to the store to buy bread!
Me: Longest six minutes ever
@blondebombs: I'm a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
@Heather2Go: Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
INTERVIEWER: We're looking for a real cat person.
ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
@Thugs_N_Kisses: You're in love? Cool, I'm in sweatpants.