Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
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I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
#growingpains
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy