Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
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Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.