Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
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[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
this is what they would have looked like, though
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.