@badbanana: Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I'm looking for the thumbs-down button.
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@AaronFullerton: "Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!" -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
@ImaFlyontheWall: Bob: Who is that? Me:That's Ted, he's the opposite of a hypochondriac.. Ted's arm falls off Ted: Hey guys! Bob: Holy shit! Ted: What, I'm ok
@omerwahaj: Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing? Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.