Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
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Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
At least try to make it slightly believable
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.