doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
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“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
time for some seasonal decor
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Word!
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
How about daylight saves us for once
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.