Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
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A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Wise advice
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit