Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
You Might Also Like
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.