*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
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College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Welcome to the stomach
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.