*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
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#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Dishonest mechanic?
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.