Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station