[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
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me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE