@mrtruthandsoul: The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you're the one that farted

@chanelpuke: WHO WAS THE PERSON WHO PASSED UP THE CHANCE TO CALL GERMAN CURRENCY GERMONEY

@CourtneyBale: To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

@scorpicpanda: {discussing wedding dresses} CW1: I had mine preserved. CW2: I donated mine to a charity. You? Me: I used mine as kindling for a bonfire.

@ramenfuneral: my birthday is a month from today and all i want is this