@cortronic: *looks up "how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds" on YouTube* *ad starts playing* *looks up "how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds"*

@CaniacMONK: I'm at my most brilliant when the door says "pull" and I don't believe it.

@Buncahn: [boy spreads his little arms] Boy: i love you this much daddy! Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

@korryduke: Do you smell smoke? I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

@itchyturtle: Dating tip: surprise your date by being a giraffe