@shkeeber: I've been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.

@JPHaddadio: Don't spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

@mrtruthandsoul: Wife: We're going to Jessie's BBQ today. Me: She's the one with the big--- Wife: They're fake! Me: So? -liveTweeting from the DogHouse

@QwertyJones3: HER: You can't even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference. ME: Yes I Khan.

@causticbob: Following the leaking of nude photo's of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.