Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
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I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
i really liked this one
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke