Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
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video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.