I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
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Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.