[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
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Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden