*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
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crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil