*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
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Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
a badder mouse
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
When I laugh on my period
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
More like Kate Missington.