“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
You Might Also Like
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I am patiently waiting for your email
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
synchronized noseblowing
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.