“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
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I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
He wanted to make sure😂
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.