“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
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Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now