YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
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me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.