@distracdad: Paper plates were invented by a guy whose wife asked him to do the dishes once.
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@TheToddWilliams: [office] ME: I'm back from vacation! BOSS: It's been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice! ME: No, a week on Venus...which is 1701 days
@david8hughes: "The toilet's blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-" [Bowser spits coffee] "Which plumber?"
@megalot_: Well, I don't know how my tattoo is gonna look when I'm 60, Carol, but I know you'll be dead by then so
@jordan_stratton: I can't imagine a better slogan for a glasses company than, "Buy our glasses if you ever want to see your children again."