@distracdad: Paper plates were invented by a guy whose wife asked him to do the dishes once.
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@NewDadNotes: CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk Me: I’ll never talk CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook] [two hours later] Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know? CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
@Iwriteforcats: Cats make the best boyfriends because they're soft, loyal, and won't claim they're straight but then turn gay after one lousy date, BRENT!