[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
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My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Just so funny
I didn’t come here to be called names
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
relationship goals
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
me
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?