Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
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Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.