Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
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An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
My Sentiments Exactly
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.